Two Tongues
by funnypain
Summary: Attempt at writing season three from Naomi's perspective. Some scenes will be from the series and others will be made up. "Two Tongues" is a song from The Swell Season which I think applies to Naomi throughout. Watch season four or this will spoil it.
1. First day

With her eyes firmly glued to the wall at the further end of the gym, Naomi heard the name being called out by Miss Reedy, that insecure little woman. "Emily Fitch". She did not dare turn her head or even move an eyeball, but the hand must have been raised, since Emily's name wasn't called again. _She's actually here, somewhere_, she thought. Such an obvious fact, but it was impossible for her to accept that this was real. The first day of college had to arrive, and this was it, and she would have to see Emily eventually, bump into her sometime, and she felt anything but ready. Time -the greatest, safest, distance- had now dissolved, and all she had left to counteract the dread and anticipation was her trusty armor.

"Naomi Campbell," muttered the tiny, tremulous voice. The giggling started immediately. _For fuck's sake, will this ever end?_ Everywhere she went, whenever they called out her full name for the first time, this was what she got: sniggers and stares and whispers. For a moment, she considered not raising her hand for the stuttering lady, but then the stupid arsehole with the megaphone screeched out her name and she did, just to get through with it as soon as possible. _Here we go_. She rolled her eyes and took it, waiting for the chorus of laughter to subside.

"Fuckin' hell…" she murmured. Now that boy in the red shirt would never leave her alone. James? Yes, something like that. He seemed to be the kind of person who had to have his say in everything, whether you wanted to hear it or not. Of course, he had to comment something about her "anger management issues" and ask if she was going to throw a shoe at him. However, she also guessed that, if he hadn't actually liked her, his teasing would have been of another kind entirely. This had to be his version of being friendly, and calling him a "wanker" or giving him the finger could have very well been compliments. The two boys beside him were looking at him in a "leave her alone" kind of way, but hadn't said a word to stop him. Was it useless? Had they grown too accustomed to such displays?

Sighing, Naomi glanced to the side, and there, just several seats across from her, was Emily, _looking at her_. Months and years peeled away effortlessly, and she felt like the ground might open up and swallow her. Emily blinked and looked away almost immediately, but it hadn't been an accident, had it? She almost did not dare to remember the time when Emily had approached her… No, she had to keep that away, not even in the background, but further down, deep inside. However, the illusion of "eventually" seeing her or bumping into her "sometime" was over. It was going to be much more than that. _Same form. Same fucking form_.

She glanced back in Emily's direction. The little redhead was still sitting in the same position, with her chin resting on her hand, and her hand half tucked inside her sleeve. Jesus, she was looking at her _again_. Her twin sister Katie kept chattering in her ear but, for the following three or four seconds, Emily did not break their eye contact. This was going to be…

"Babe - babe - babe - babe…"

Nothing could shut up the guy, apparently, not his friends -who did apologize for him now- and not raising her hand and telling him off. "Cook", or whatever they were calling him, seemed to have a bag of tricks ready to be used and, judging by the incident that followed, they all revolved around his cock.

And this was just, what, fifteen minutes of the remaining two years? Fantastic.

* * *

Naomi walked towards her classroom in a dreamlike state. Inside her chest there was a fist, closed tightly: her self-control. She was in charge; she was the owner of a carefully constructed composure, and it was unbreakable. Why then, did it feel like floating instead of walking?

When she saw that there were three girls practically blocking the door, she wondered if some supreme being was trying her, whether it was God, Gaia or the fucking holy Christmas tree. Could it be karma? One of the girls she didn't know -a thin brunette with long hair-, but the other two were Emily and Katie Finch.

_Come on, just get it over with_. She clenched her inner fist as tightly as she could and displayed the coldest possible front, which did not even crack when she overheard Katie calling her a "lezzer bitch". That wasn't new. She _was_ a bitch and had worked hard for it, and the extra ornaments that Katie could attach to it were of no importance; they only meant that she was doing this right. On the other hand, Katie was a fucking airhead who hadn't had an original thought in her whole life - all she had was a big mouth and a surprising lack of shame. She was now staring at her with wide, innocent eyes. Naomi hated when people did that because they were blatantly taking you for a fool in your fucking face, and there were not many things that could make Naomi feel worse than being someone's joke.

"Excuse me," she said, in her most insubstantial voice, wanting them to get the message that the three of them could mean nothing less to her.

The dark-haired girl didn't even budge, maybe because it really had nothing to do with her, but Katie stepped aside in a somewhat theatrical way and Emily… Emily just looked at her. They were much closer now, and the girl seemed to shrink before her, or maybe it had been Katie's fault - who knew what that bitch with verbal incontinence had been saying. Either way, it served Naomi's purpose. She was strong now.

However, as soon as she entered the classroom, she heard Katie's voice once again, loud and clear, and this time, it did stop her.

"Yeah, like… don't talk to her. She tried to snog my sister in middle school. Pervy… don't you think it?"

So the "lezzer" bit had not been just a random insult from Katie's catalog. "_She_ tried to snog my sister"? It had definitely _not _been like that, but she did not wish to remember how it had _really_ happened or discuss it with Katie. Instead, she turned and positioned herself behind the girl, who was only brave when she felt she had other people's support.

"Watch out, Katie. Might get confused and fuck you with my great big strap-on by mistake," she said, in the same I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-your-life voice.

With that, she glanced at the brunette, who was still only a spectator, and went into the classroom again. She felt unchallenged and proud of herself, of her voice, her comeback, her wry smile, and her ability to have made Katie jump.

* * *

During homeroom, Roundview's revolutionary technique for the students to get to know one another consisted on standing up and saying their names, adding a unique fact about themselves. What a load of bollocks.

"Um… I'm Emily… Never had a boyfriend."

"Shit happens," Kieran, their tutor, was unmoved, and Naomi felt like agreeing with him.

So, when the man pointed at her immediately after, she saw her chance. "I'm Naomi. Hate injustice. People tell lies about me."

It was over in a second and she had done it. She slumped back in her seat, crossed her arms and glared at Emily, now that she had found her strength. _You know which lies I'm talking about. You know I didn't say that for Katie_. And she did seem to know, because the little redhead shrunk even more than before and dropped her gaze.

Part of her was sorry, but she couldn't afford to lessen the grip of that fist. She needed her control. All the more in Emily's presence.


	2. Cook's birthday

_That day, the little blonde girl had wanted to wear her favorite jumper - it was dark-blue, and had the phrase "HEAL THE WORLD" stamped across its chest in white. Armed with a hopeful smile, she made her way across the playground and paused before the shadow of a large tree. There was a group of girls already chattering and giggling under its branches - all except one, who was sitting with her back against the stout trunk and her legs bunched up against her breast, not interacting with the others. Suddenly, the blonde couldn't move a muscle. She felt as if struck by lightning, and couldn't take her eyes off that girl._

The memory came and went, uninvited and in pieces, as it always did. She rubbed the corner of her eye and turned to glance at the alarm clock. It was five already; Cook had to be celebrating his birthday. The boy had more or less invited her the day before in his usual, charming style ("Hey Blondie, come to my birthday party tomorrow and I'll let you blow my candle"), but he had also invited about half the college. They were all supposed to meet for drinks at some old pub, but Naomi hadn't made up her mind yet.

The problem wasn't being around a bunch of people she hardly knew. They weren't friends, but how bad could that be, having someone to hang out with? It was difficult to admit, even all alone in her bedroom, that being in her own bitter company maybe wasn't enough. The main issue, however, was Emily – as always. Emily, assaulting her mind as if not an hour had gone by since that fatal day. Going away for the summer had been useless; fooling around with guys had proved to be bothersome and a waste of time. Although it hadn't been all bad, nothing could erase the scars left by Emily's scorching eyes. Seeing her the first day of college had only confirmed it further.

Naomi sighed, knowing that her two needs -the need to be strong and the need to see Emily- were not compatible. _Fuck it_. This thing that the redhead was doing to her, she wasn't going to name it and knew that she shouldn't pursue it, but it somehow made her get on her feet and put some shoes on. She went to the mirror, applied some lipstick, checked her hair –not a strand falling out of place-, and paused for moment to examine not so much her physical appearance as her façade. The girl in the mirror looked ready.

* * *

Naomi pushed the glass door and entered the pub. The place was dead. Wasn't it supposed to be a massive party? Her eyes stopped at the table where Cook and the others were sitting, wearing party hats. This wasn't the scenario she had imagined at all, and she did not wish to be the center of attention, but now there was no escape. They had all turned to look at her.

As she approached the table to sit next to the boy called Freddie, she heard the two redheads bickering in whispers, but tried to ignore them. She uttered a half-hearted greeting, which was returned in the same half-hearted way. _Great. Fun._

Cook stood up and leaned forward, grinning naughtily. "Want to know a secret?"

All she could offer was an empty smile. "What?"

He moved his finger in the air, as if trying to comprise her. "I know the cure."

"The cure for what?"

"It's my cock," he whispered, as if they were having a private conversation. Then, he burst out laughing.

What? Did it have something to do with his birthday invitation? Before she could properly ask what the hell he was talking about, she noticed that Katie was laughing too, and _then_ she realized. The preying fear of being a joke now infiltrated her, but at least the only ones laughing were those two idiots.

"H-hey, look what I made," said a little voice. It was Emily, trying to divert everyone's attention towards something else. _A little late for that, thanks._

The redhead produced a chocolate cake from somewhere, which was quite impressive, and handed it to the birthday bastard, who proceeded to devour it whole with his bare hands and wash it down with some more beer. Several related images crossed Naomi's mind: cavemen fighting for their food, wild beasts tearing up a carcass, and those American hot dog eating competitions. For once, she had to agree with Katie. The party was pretty much a failure, and attending had been a shitty idea.

* * *

"Hey, you lot! You can't smoke in here!" Christina, the waitress, yelled at them from behind the bar, but the smoke had actually come from JJ's second magic trick ("This time with fire!").

For some unfortunate reason, JJ had felt that it was his responsibility to entertain them while Cook and Freddie were outside, and the awkwardness was almost unbearable. The party hats had come off, and Naomi believed she was developing a cramp in her right eyebrow from raising it too much.

"I think I'm going home," she said to no one in particular. It wasn't as if she expected a fucking farewell party.

"Already?" JJ asked. He was shaking his hand and blowing on his fingertips because he had burned himself a little while performing his trick.

"Yeah, already." She paused to focus on Emily, who looked miffed. _What's the matter?_ The girl's fingers were playing with the edge of the paper dish she had used for Cook's cake, and Naomi suddenly wondered if the redhead had actually waited for her to show up before revealing the cake. _No, that's stupid, that's…_

"So are you planning on leaving today or tomorrow?" Katie asked her. Charming, as usual.

Naomi pressed her lips together to form a disdainful smile and shook her head. "No, Katie, I think I'll stay, actually.I know how much you fancy me."

Katie called her a "fucking dyke" under her breath, but Naomi remained unfazed. That girl Effy was eyeing her in a way she couldn't understand and Emily… Emily was smirking at her.

Something inside her started to unhinge, a door, which she had bolted and blockaded with everything she could find to keep her feelings from surfacing; she wasn't sure of being able to survive if they ever got out. To maintain this was tiresome but necessary. In a way, it felt like containing an epidemic.

At the same time, she felt warm all over just because Emily was smirking and looking at her. It reminded her of the times when they would pass each other in between classes and the world around her would melt, and the sounds would blend together with the beating of her accelerated heart into a senseless drone. The redhead would sometimes look away from the group of girls and lock eyes with her, and it would be so exhilarating that, hours later, in bed, the remembrance would make Naomi quiver. It still did.

Cook and Freddie chose that moment to return inside. The loud, unruly boy looked thrilled, while the other kept saying "I don't know, mate, I don't know".

"Ladies! …And JJ," he clapped and rubbed his hands together. "You wanted a real birthday party and that's what I'll deliver! So if you'll please follow me…"

"So what, you've suddenly found us this wild party we can go to?" asked Effy, her voice very gentle and very sarcastic.

"You bet I did, babe, and it's all free. Let's go!"

* * *

It was a boat. The club was in a boat, and they were actually going to crash some girl's engagement party. Cook was totally convinced of the greatness of his plan, or rather, fate's plan, and the rest of them were following him with some reluctance. Naomi crossed the Hollywood-like red carpet with Emily walking close beside her and, for a moment, the unreality of the situation got to her and almost destabilized her.

Cook's endeavor, however, was stopped by the bouncer, who grabbed him from under the armpits and set him down as if he weighed nothing. The boy then proceeded to call the man a robot and explain that "fate" had brought them to that place, that "fate" wasn't wearing trainers, and that all that "fate" wanted was to have a couple of drinks and a little dance. It was insane, and she had to bite her lower lip to keep her sardonic smile from emerging at Cook's over-the-top attempts. They would have never gotten in if Freddie's sister and the wedding girl hadn't gone outside and spotted them, and if Cook hadn't been carrying drugs.

As they entered the club, Naomi realized that the atmosphere was anything but wild. They were playing blasted Robbie Williams ('Millennium', for fuck's sake), and the waiters were offering them champagne. Cook wasted no time and slid his hand under the party girl's yellow dress while they walked; everyone with eyes on their faces saw her arse. She looked away. _Jesus Christ, what a complete tosser._

"When she said 'party'…" Freddie's voice trailed off.

"You thought she meant more of an acid-fueled sex rave, without the Mancunians," Katie added.

"This is more…" JJ began.

"Jelly and ice-cream," said Effy. Exactly. There were actually old people there.

Seeing as Cook's act wasn't exactly discreet, the father of the bride-to-be approached them almost at once. The creepy man was a famous gangster who had -allegedly- murdered two nuns over a pint of Guinness and stabbed a policeman in the neck with a stuffed puffin, among other delightful things. The horror.

"So, who's up for narcotics?" asked Cook, which wasn't a bad suggestion at all. The only way to make the party fun was to artificially induce one's body into _thinking_ that the party was indeed a blast.

Freddie's sister, the wedding girl, Effy, Katie, and Pandora (who had suddenly decided that she loved drugs) were up for it. Naomi, however, wasn't, and not only because she barely knew those people; it was also because she needed to know what she was doing at all times. She couldn't risk losing her control, and didn't even touch a glass of champagne.

They went to the ladies' room to do the stuff, and she loitered behind Emily, not knowing what to do. _Fuck._ She turned away from her, hoping that would be enough to avoid the redhead, but it was as if over the years Naomi had developed the ability to feel her presence, whether she was seeing her or not. She crossed her arms protectively, just like Emily had been crossing hers, and stared down at the floor. Then, she felt something touch her back, ever so lightly. It wasn't a hand; it wasn't a real touch. She moved her head a little, just to glance over her shoulder, and saw that she and Emily were back to back.

Had she approached Emily unconsciously or had Emily approached her? Either way, she felt she couldn't take it. She couldn't be trusted, not even sober, and the only solution was to run.

* * *

She had no recollection of walking out of the club, but she was now outside and it was all that mattered. Safe…

"Naomi! Wait!"

Naomi frowned at the sky, but nothing -no thunder or plague- came to her rescue. It had to be karma. She was tired, so tired, and wondered if indifference would suffice.

"What?" _Don't stop, just keep walking_.

"Where are you going?"

_Away from you. As far as my feet will take me. _"Home."

"Don't go."

Indifference was not enough. She stopped; she turned around; she couldn't help it. For some reason, Emily did not want her to leave. "Why not?" _Why the hell not?_

"I dunno… Because-" The girl fell silent abruptly.

Emily was asking her to stay, and Naomi felt she would suffocate if she kept holding the gaze of those brown eyes of hers. Was that… was Emily actually _pleading_ with her eyes? Naomi couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe how dangerous this was. They were alone and standing face to face for the first time since… Right.

Naomi glanced to the side and then looked down, gathering the troops. "Why does your sister think _I'm _gay?"

Was this retaliation or had the time come to know, to _really_ know what had happened that night?

"Sorry," Emily almost whispered. It was heartbreaking, but she couldn't afford to break now.

Apparently, it wasn't the time, and she wasn't brave enough to inquire further. Sighing, she turned and began to walk away.

"See you around, Emily," she said, in her usual I-don't-give-a-fuck tone.

Although it wasn't completely clear to her what had just happened, she felt she had dealt with the situation without letting go of anything. The fist was tightly closed inside her chest and only trembled slightly.


	3. Underground party

The phone was ringing but Naomi didn't move a muscle. In her house, the phone always rang and rang for ages, and it wasn't like the house was empty and nobody could answer it. In fact, the house was overpopulated -had been forever overpopulated- with people who weren't even family. She was all for sharing the world's resources, but did that entail opening the washing machine to find a basketful of strangers' underwear? That same morning she'd had an argument about whose turn it was to use the bathroom with an unknown woman she had run into in the hallway. At least she was level-headed enough to understand that it was completely surreal, that other people didn't have to live like this.

"The fucking sixties are over, Mum," she had told the woman more than a thousand times, "and I'm sorry to burst your patchouli-scented, hippie bubble, but you weren't even fucking born then." But her mother was never very impressed by Naomi's outbursts or her swearing, which irked her even more. "But darling, we can only try to make the world a better place." _Yeah, for you and for me and the entire fucking human race, I know_. However, the only positive thing she could see about the whole sixties' commune obsession was her mother's outstanding record collection, which Naomi had cleverly relocated in her bedroom.

There was a knock on the door, and her mother's head popped inside. "It's for you, love."

Naomi raised a distrustful eyebrow and reached out for the phone. She was laying with her feet on the pillow and her head on the foot of the bed. "Hello?"

"Doing anything fun tonight?"

She frowned and then sat up slowly when she thought she recognized the voice. "Effy?"

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

"No…" she looked around, musing about the safety of those four walls and wondering what she was getting dragged into this time.

"There's a friend who needs our help."

"A friend?" _Not _my_ friend._ And what did she mean with "our"? Were they, like, a gang now?

"There's also a party. Are you coming?"

Naomi released a sigh and felt a twinge of pain in her stomach as she said yes.

"Good. Give me your mobile number and I'll text you the address. Be there as soon as you can."

* * *

_Be honest_, she commanded herself. _Why are you going to this party?_ She wasn't doing it to help someone she had never met; she didn't even have a very high opinion of those she had actually met. It was all Emily; she was doing it because the redhead would probably be there. At least she had been cautious enough to not ask Effy about it.

But not cautious enough to say no and stay home, apparently. _You are being weak_.

On the one hand, to confront the redhead about having lied to Katie might have appeared to be a good strategy to regain her strength. However, in retrospective, Naomi knew that, regardless of what Emily wanted from her, to reveal the truth involved laying all those unwelcome memories and feelings out in the open, and what she wanted was to keep those things concealed and unexamined.

It was like banging her head against a brick wall again and again. She would feel the urge to se Emily, she would try to fight it unsuccessfully, and then the redhead would look at her, or approach her, or ask her not to leave, and this would set off a fire alarm inside her head that would make her run away. It was a cycle, a spiral, and she was caught in it like a fly in a spider's web.

* * *

Having found the right bus at last, she gripped her handbag tightly and made her way across the parking lot towards the group. It seemed like she was the last to arrive. She had promised herself to try a little harder with those people, because being distant probably wasn't the best approach to get to know somebody.

"Hi!" she waved at them vaguely and tried to sound cheery, although the resulting effect had probably been quite awkward. "Hi. Sorry I… couldn't find a bus. You said somebody needed a hand?"

"Yeah, you like giving hand, don't you, Naomi?" Katie said, with a big, goofy smile crossing her face. In that moment, the two redheads couldn't have looked more different. Katie started to giggle, and was joined by Cook.

_You know what? Fuck this. _That was it. She couldn't take any more. She was more than tired and, frankly, those people weren't worth the trouble it took to try and be nice to them, _and_ the extra job of ignoring Katie's relentless attacks.

"See you". With that, she turned around and walked away_, _and it was final.

Then, she heard Emily's voice, weak and hushed at first. "For fuck's sake! She didn't kiss me, okay?"

_Great, deny it now that it's no use..._

"Yes she did," answered Katie, "she practically jump-"

"I kissed _her_!"

Naomi stopped walking.

"I was drunk and someone gave me MDMA, and… I felt like fucking kissing someone! Satisfied?"

Slowly, she returned to the group; she felt she had to see this. The truth - Emily's side, at least. Naomi wasn't too keen on having it discussed in front of everybody, but maybe Katie would now leave her alone and they could finally bury it.

"I'm satisfied, yeah! But even better if you showed us!" Cook guffawed and pointed at both of them. Of course he wanted the lesbian turn-on for straight guys, with extra tongue. Naomi rolled her eyes and imagined what her mother would say to him.

"Shut the fuck up, Cook," said Effy. "You promised me a party. Where is it?"

He opened his arms. "Can't you feel it, kids?"

There was actually something vibrating -a rhythm, a beat-, but not in the air. It was… she could feel it in her soles.

"It's the sound of the underground!" Cook pulled open the manhole cover at their feet, unveiling the golden light of a party down below, in the fucking sewers.

There were gasps and incredulous whispers all around, except for herself and Effy, who said a single word: "Cool."

* * *

It was packed. It was like a fucking jungle downstairs, and their mission was to help that guy Thomas sell a shitload of weed.

Naomi walked away from the hot, sticky core of the rave. She took off her jacket and stuffed it in her handbag. Well, this was an improvement; now she was dealing drugs for people she hardly knew. The real cause for her annoyance, however, was what had happened before, outside; she was still stunned. Together with the background party music, it was making her relive -and quite vividly- the night of the kiss, and she didn't like it one bit. She was supposed to feel better now, not like a little girl lost in the tunnels.

"How much you sold?"

It was Emily, standing behind her. Unwillingly, Naomi turned around, and had to step back because the sight was too much for her. The confusing mixture of crazy lights and semi-darkness of the tunnels created an artificial intimacy which made Emily's skin glow in a beautiful way.

"I've done three bags, tenner each."

_Small talk, shall we?_ "Don't even know why I'm fucking doing this…" her voice sounded high-pitched and alien, and she had to look away from the girl.

"Thanks for keeping schtum." Emily said.

"I don't care what your sister thinks." Perpetuating the "lezzer" thing was not Naomi's number one concern; it was losing her hold over her own mind and body.

"Yeah, well, I do. So thanks anyway."

She pressed her lips together to form a little grin and bowed to hide behind her blonde hair. It didn't matter now; Emily had fixed it.

"I didn't take MDMA that night," the redhead paused. "I just… wanted to kiss you."

Slowly, Naomi raised her head. _What?_ The blood in her veins froze. Emily hadn't taken any drugs that night; she had "just" wanted to kiss her, with a clear mind. "Just". It had been a decision, with volition and choice behind it.

"I want to kiss you now."

Naomi felt as if her stomach was being repetitively stabbed with an ice pick. "Now". Nothing could have prepared her for this, not even when the redhead had asked her not to leave at that horrid engagement party. She hadn't understood why, but now… now she felt like she was falling off from a great height.

"You're gay?" Was this…? Was Emily telling her…?

"No! No! I just… Sorry," she said, in that raspy voice of hers.

_What is this, then? _

"Yeah, me too," she said, and marched off. This time, she didn't feel relief.

* * *

Utmost wackiness ensued at the underground rave when Johnny White (the gangster at the engagement party) appeared and challenged Thomas to a pepper-eating contest. After the drug lord's very humiliating defeat, they all went to the boy's flat to celebrate. A few minutes later, all her troubles were enveloped in a cloud of smoke and she couldn't care less because the atmosphere was too dim and she couldn't see them anymore. Her only worry was to keep herself from suffocating from laughing so much. Emily was there, but it was all right. Everything was easy and wonderful. It was amazing how she hadn't become an alcoholic or a drug addict.


	4. Pajama party

"You're gay?" - she had thrown the loaded question at Emily like a big, red, shiny beach ball, but the girl had refused to catch it, and so it now was bouncing around without anyone wanting to pick it up. "No! No! I just…," Emily had wavered; it hadn't even been real negation. And then, "Sorry", just like she had been sorry outside the boat party; an apology instead of an explanation. _Why should I stay? Why tell me that you want to kiss me but then say you're not gay? _

Naomi fidgeted in front of the refrigerator, changing her weight from one foot to the other. She snatched the four cans that were sitting in the middle of an otherwise empty shelf and then scooted past the man who was only wearing an apron to grab the bottle of Pinot Grigio from the counter. _You're not touching this. _It wasn't much, but at least she wouldn't go to the party empty-handed.

_You're really going to do this, aren't you?,_ she asked herself. Pandora was throwing a party and, somehow, Naomi had been invited. Were they a group now, and, if so, was she a part of it? It felt strange; she wasn't used to that kind of thing at all, but it didn't feel so terrible - although she would never admit as much.

* * *

It was a beautiful day, very bright, with a clear sky. Naomi walked towards Pandora's house with squinted eyes, thinking about seeing Emily in the sunlight. It would be different from their short and confusing encounter in the dimly-lit tunnels of the underground party. That party had reminded her of the fatal night of the kiss, to the point that she'd only managed to put her mind off it by getting thoroughly pissed and high at Thomas's flat. For a while, she'd convinced herself that everything was fine, but this was daylight, and they were to spend the night under the same roof. _Why do I keep doing this to myself?_ The truth was that she couldn't help it.

She frowned at the three pink balloons tied at the entrance to indicate where the party was taking place - it wasn't a good sign. This sensation was confirmed when she got to the actual front door; inside, several feminine voices were singing "Making brownies, making brownies, in the kitchen, in the kitchen, yummy-yummy".

"Fucking hell," she breathed out, looking around. _Someone somewhere must really, really loath_e _me_.

Then, Naomi noticed that she was not alone. There was a middle-aged man in the garden next door, pruning the hedge with some shears - more like _pretending_ he was doing that while spying on her.

"Yes?" she asked him, making a face.

"Nothing," he said, getting self-conscious, "young lady, I have nothing to say to you at all."

"What the fuck is that?" she muttered under her breath, while turning towards the door. _Right, you're only gawking like a fucking perv._ Everything was just getting better and better…

"Hi!"

"Jesus…" she managed a smile and turned around, recognizing Emily's voice.

The little redhead was walking towards her quite cheerfully -cuteness personified-, and Naomi didn't know what to do with herself. Her instincts had been right about seeing her like this, in the daylight, in the open: different, but still confusing. She pressed her lips together and then glanced down. It was difficult to look at Emily in the eye.

"I've never been to a pajama party before, so I brought vodka… Was that right?"

Naomi shrugged. "Dunno."

"I don't _wear_ pajamas…" Emily said, after a pause, in a confidential tone.

"Right…" _Right… Thanks for the info, Em. Are you trying to kill me here?_

Her heart was pounding like a maniac drummer inside her chest, and she could only look away and clutch the bottle and the cans tighter against her stomach. She didn't want the redhead to read the hunger in her eyes or interpret her tiny smile as the reflection of several dirty thoughts which had crossed her mind.

She swallowed it all and kept it deep, under many layers. If anything, she was an expert at burying.

"I don't know why she invited me anyway. I hardly know her." Her mind was already trying to run away.

"I asked her to invite you."

_What?_ Naomi blinked twice, while the unexpected development registered.

"I thought we sorted this out." She believed they had, more or less, reached an unspoken agreement somewhere during Thomas's party, that it was possible for them to be in the same room and be civil.

"No, I didn't mean like… Well it doesn't hurt to get to know each other, does it?"

"Emily…" she interrupted the girl, but didn't know what to say after that. She only wanted it to stop, that confusing, nameless thing.

"We're in the same class! We'll be hanging out for the next _two_ years and-"

Suddenly, Naomi understood why the situation was bothering her: the redhead was trying to get close to her, really close, in a friendly way, and she wasn't used to it. It set off her security alarm system. _Stop it, _she wanted to tell Emily.

But there was something else she could say. "Are you going to tell people you're _gay_ anytime soon?"

"What? I'm not! I'm not gay," the redhead looked confused and slightly offended.

_Well you _are_ something_, Naomi mused, finding her smile. _You can say you want to kiss me but then you get all ruffled up by the gay word._ "Telling you, Em, you haven't thought this through, have you?"

"No."

_No, okay, question answered._ Naomi knew that she wasn't being completely fair to the girl - probably, she wasn't being fair at all. Part of her wanted some answers from the redhead's side, but the other part of her didn't want to hear it, for she wouldn't know what to do with them. Meanwhile, she wasn't giving anything away; she couldn't, without going into panic mode and blasting away at the poor girl.

All she could do was reaffirm her safety. "So can I just say again? Me, not muff muncher. Me, cock cruncher."

Then, she turned away from Emily, who was eyeing her. _Please stop, I can't say it clearer than that._

"You getting any… cock?"

The redhead circled her and stood at her left with a smug, little smile in her face. She wouldn't let Naomi get away that easily. Was she trying to get personal again? Then why did it feel harmless?

"I have done," Naomi smiled, recalling the worst and funniest of her limited experience. It was difficult to stay anxious while narrating the story of how this boy had erectile dysfunction and that she was getting tennis elbow from wanking him to no effect. After seventeen tries, she had no patience or interest left.

Emily was giggling adorably, and Naomi realized that she was smiling, _really_ smiling -inside and outside-, for the first time in ages. It was kind of magical, really, how the redhead had effortlessly brought that out from deep inside of her. Her real smile felt strange on her lips, like trying on a pair of old, forgotten shoes, but it was great to let go a little of her perpetual toughness and alertness and just be. It really was.

Still smiling, she diverted her eyes from Emily's overwhelming cuteness and saw that the nosy neighbor was still there, shears in hand, looking a tad confused after their exchange.

"Yes?" she asked him again, this time more emphatically. "Can I help you with something?" _You nosy bastard._

The man snapped out of it. "No. This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women."

"Yeah? So go fuck yourself. Tosser…"

Just then, the front door swung open. It was a hysterically happy Pandora. The girl's face, however, switched to worry in a second. She snatched the alcohol they had brought out of their hands and tossed it away into the small flower garden to their left.

"Hey! What-? Hey!" Emily protested, but Pandora didn't pay her any mind and was already calling for her mum.

Mrs. Moon appeared at once and commanded her hyper daughter to do what looked like some breathing exercises to calm down. _Okay…_ They followed mother and daughter inside the house, albeit a little reluctantly and then suddenly Pandora shrieked the word "Shoes!" and proceeded to take off Naomi's and toss them inside a wooden box with the sign "Shoes Here Please!" above it. _Okay…_ It was getting weirder by the second, but she felt strangely at ease.

"Are you all… chums?" Pandora's mother was asking.

"Oh yeah! Ems and Naomi are real good friends, you know?"

"How lovely!"

Naomi turned to glance at Emily, who was dropping her shoes in the box.

"Really good," Pandora went on, "and now they like me as well."

_So we're really good friends, yeah?_ She turned towards the redhead again with a playful smile, but Emily didn't return it. The redhead seemed a little doubtful.

"Hang on, aren't you Katie?" Mrs. Moon had finally taken a good look at Emily.

"That's the amazing thing!" Pandora cried. "Katie! They're twins. _C'est incroyable_, baby!"

_Jesus Christ, someone give the girl some downers._ Naomi glanced at Katie, who had now entered the living room and was looking at her but not saying anything. Meanwhile, Pandora was digging her own grave by mentioning Thomas, calling him "a blinkin' dream" and how he had taught her French.

"Thomas? Who's Thomas?" asked Mrs. Moon, glancing around.

"Oh, you know…"

"Pandora, I do hope you haven't been defying me on the subject of boys."

But the girl didn't seem to know how to save herself.

"He's my boyfriend, actually," Naomi said, hoping it would fly. "He does, um, excellent French."

The woman believed her, or at least wanted to believe her so badly that she left her daughter alone and proceeded to tell them that there were no boys allowed in the house during the party.

"I'm sure your parents would say the same thing," she said, and then made a face that pleaded for reassurance.

"Yeah… Yeah…" they said in unison. "Boys, eugh, never… Disgusting…"

"There you go!" Pandora cried, "Katie and Emily! Completely identical."

"Are you - are you interested in all the same things?" asked Mrs. Moon.

Naomi glanced to the side, enjoying her own private joke, and the twins shared a look that spoke volumes. She was sure that Katie and Emily were often asked such questions. The twin factor had never affected Naomi, though; even if they were practically identical physically, what they had inside was so different that it transformed everything, even their outside appearance. Naomi had fallen for Emily, and it had only and always been Emily. For her it was plain to see that they were like night and day.

Emily finally answered that she wasn't sure and the topic was dropped. Pandora was freaking out about "Twister" anyway, and Mrs. Moon told them that she had prepared pajamas for all of them. Pink and clean pajamas. The three of them could only exchange looks. _Wow._ Well, perhaps the mum needed some nice medication also.

* * *

Naomi, Emily and Katie were sitting on Pandora's bed and waiting for the nice, clean pajamas. On the floor, there was a white, plastic sheet with red, blue, yellow, and green circles.

"Twister," Naomi said. _That_ was Twister? "Are you shitting me?"

"Don't worry, I spiked the chocolate brownies with MDMA," Katie said, and laughed quietly.

_Oh, thank God._

"You what?" Emily asked. She was still acting a bit strangely.

"Yeah. Appreciate it, okay? There's fucking forty quid's worth in there." Katie laughed again, and Naomi joined in.

"You think it's funny?" Emily asked her accusingly, now downright irked.

"It is, kind of." _What's going on with you?_

"Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems," Katie retorted.

Regardless of what was going on in Emily's mind, Naomi had to wonder. Was this a truce between Katie and her? She could no longer claim that the meaner redhead had never had an original thought in her entire life because here it was, and it was funny. It was mind-boggling, how comfortable she felt and how she wasn't under the obligation of acting like a sarcastic bitch.

"So, Katie, you're gonna be nice to me now that we're Twister pals?" she asked. "I promise not to grab your minge and everything."

Katie barked out a laugh. "Okay, ha-ha. Hands off the muff and we're sorted."

"Gotcha!" she was laughing as well. "No buffing the beaver."

"No groping the growler."

"Don't tickle on my tinkle!"

"Okay, I won't fluff up your flange."

Surprisingly enough, she was having fun with Katie. Because the "lezzer" part wasn't the issue, she felt free to joke about it and not deny it. She had denied it to Emily though, and the girl didn't seem pleased with their interaction. Could that possibly be one of the reasons for her irritation?

"You done?" she asked her sister.

"Yep," said Katie. "We're double done with the DNA dump."

That was some hilarious shit. Pandora chose that moment to enter the room, while Naomi and Katie were still giggling. She was carrying the most hideous things Naomi had ever seen. And they were supposed to wear them. The girl held up one of the shirts for them to see. The words "SEXY POO" were sewn across its chest.

"Jesus." Naomi couldn't help herself.

The shirt was tossed into her hands, and another was thrown at Emily. Pandora kept the "PANDA POO" one for herself, of course.

"I'm not wearing that," Naomi said. Her feeling of security was weak enough as it was.

"Why not? It's a pajama party!" cried Pandora. She seemed genuinely hurt.

Katie seemed to notice this and took a step forward, earning Pandora's exclamations of delight. _All right, what the hell_, she thought, and started undressing.

* * *

When they had almost finished changing, Effy walked into Pandora's room. "What the fuck?"

Naomi smiled at her with desperation, in an "I didn't want to, but hey" kind of way and told her to put on the pajamas. All of them had to look equally ridiculous.

"Whatever…" said the brunette, and took her shirt off facing the window.

They heard a noise nearby, possibly outside, but Effy said that it was her tummy. "Too much cake."

Mrs. Moon chose that moment to enter the room, kicking the door open, tray in hand. Speaking about cake…

"Hey, Mum, look! We're pretty in pink!"

_Yeah, Panda, we're an eighties American teen movie. But on drugs._

They all reached out for the tray to get a piece, but Mrs. Moon had a good head start on them; she had already eaten three and seemed to be getting into the spirit.

The woman suddenly stood still. "Wow. Listen to that. Can you hear music? Oh, yeah!"

Something was clearly happening to her mother and Pandora seemed worried. The poor girl didn't know…

"Eat a cake, Panda," Naomi told her. "It's gonna be a looong night."

Effy and Mrs. Moon where already busy in their enraptured swaying. Naomi swallowed her piece and immediately started chewing on another one. Music… yeah. She was beginning to feel it, the euphoria, the need to move, the music in her head. Another barrier tumbled down and she didn't care. She looked at Emily and the girl was already looking at her, without a trace of her previous irritation.

They could all dance in circles together and it was all right. She could even dance with Katie and there was no weird sensation, no desire to run away, no censuring her own goofiness. Everything felt natural.

* * *

Naomi felt sorry for the woman, but she was mostly glad that Mrs. Moon passed out before she managed to take all of her clothes off. Pandora, however, was horrified and ran out of the room, with Effy and Katie following her. So it was up to her and Emily.

"What do we do with her?" Emily asked, gesturing at the body on the floor and trying hard not to giggle.

"Come on, let's put her to bed."

They carried her to her bedroom, Emily grabbing her by the ankles and Naomi from under the arms.

"That was so…" the woman slurred. "So fun."

_Poor thing._ They tossed her on the bed and she was out instantly, so suddenly that Naomi worried she was dying or something.

"Is she breathing?" Emily asked, similarly worried.

Mrs. Moon answered the question by burping loudly.

"Yep." Emily said.

"Safe."

With that, she gladly followed the little redhead downstairs.

* * *

"Glad we didn't kill someone today," Naomi said, and then remembered that the stuff they had brought was probably still outside.

Emily yelled at her from the kitchen. "Where are you going?"

"Wine! I want wine!"

While the redhead raided the kitchen, just in case there was something good to drink, Naomi stumbled out the front door.

"Hurry up with it!" cried Emily. "Get beer, lezzer!"

Naomi bent down and retrieved the bottle of wine and the four cans from the flower garden. The sudden movement made her dizzy. "All right, all right! Keep your vagina on!"

She was enjoying herself so much that for a moment she feared she would float out the front door like a balloon filled with helium. _Or a girl filled with MDMA._

Looking for Emily, she peered inside the living room and smiled when she spotted her. The girl was carrying some alcohol of her own and returning Naomi's crazy giggles.

"So… what do you want, Ems? Pinot Grigio, or…?" _What the fuck is this?_ "Cider oblivion?"

Oblivion was good, it was a good thing; something she would like to have sometimes. But now it didn't matter. In a house without rules, wearing clothes that were not even hers, and high on spiked brownies, nothing really mattered. What was so bad about enjoying Emily's company without the haunting complications?

They were standing so close now. Their only physical obstacle was the bottles and cans they were cradling in their arms. With some of her barriers down, Naomi allowed her eyes to do something she seldom did: to gaze at Emily intently, to drown in her lopsided smile, cute nose and deep, brown eyes. She was performing acrobatics without a safety net now, and it felt so fucking dangerous but so fucking easy.

"Anything," Emily was answering her. "Just give me a fucking… Just… Just give me a…"

Naomi realized that time had stopped and they were dancing - not a real, full-blown dance, but they were doing some kind of choreography. The girl would move her head towards her and then move back a little, and then Naomi would be the one to move slightly forwards.

And what Emily was asking for had nothing to do with the load she was carrying between her arms. She knew that, and Emily knew that she knew. Naomi held on to the last remnants of her protective fortress because it was all she had, and became dead serious. Emily was so close that she couldn't help but glance down at her lips. _How is this even happening?_

Emily moved forwards, boldly crossing the last barrier, and kissed her, gently, not like that other kiss they had shared.

"Oh…" was all she could say to that. What else could she say? That Emily's lips against hers had activated something inside her that laid dormant? A flame?

Desire. It was plain to see; she could feel it running through her body and burning in her eyes, and Emily was looking at her in a way that said: "I know". There was nowhere to hide.

What if she could? What if she actually could let the barriers fall down? Then, she realized that she could. "It's only the drugs, right?"

Emily nodded many times, and Naomi couldn't help but smile. It was a blatant lie, blaming it all on the drugs again, but she needed it, and Emily was granting her that safe space where this and everything could happen.

This time, they both leaned in at the same time and pressed their lips together. Emily tilted her head to the right and licked her lips before diving into the kiss again. Naomi had never experienced such sweetness as that which she had found in Emily's delicate kisses, and it showed, she knew it showed.

_Wow. _Naomi raised her eyebrows and could only look at Emily with terrified, flickering eyes. She was being eaten alive by desire.

"You liked that," Emily said, simply.

She bit her lower lip, knowing that she couldn't deny it or pretend otherwise. Emily saw her, _really_ saw her, which was the scariest thing in the world. But then, there was something she could always say to recover some of her lost strength.

Naomi took a deep breath, grinned and winked at Emily playfully. "You're gay."

With that, she walked away from the living room, sensing that the redhead would come right after her. She felt coquettish and happy, and had managed to push away the fear.

* * *

She went into the kitchen to open the bottle of wine. As expected, the redhead had followed her. "Pinot Grigio it is."

"Okay."

"You're not mad at me anymore?" she asked in a flirty way while rummaging the drawers.

"Mad at you?" the redhead looked confused.

Finally, she found a corkscrew and started winding the thing. "Yeah, you looked irritated before, with me and Katie."

"No, I wasn't… Not with you. Sorry."

There it was again, that token word. "You don't have to apologize all the time, you know. Just… do what you do."

"I wasn't mad," Emily said, and dropped her head. "I just… I wanted to have you for myself. But I don't mean like… like that, you know. Just to get to know you."

The bottle opened with a big "pop" and she handed it to the redhead. Her statement had made Naomi blush. To be someone that Emily wanted for herself, no matter in which way, made her want to go back to age thirteen and write silly poems. Instead, she just nodded.

While Emily took a very long swig, Naomi faced the kitchen window and suddenly spotted the most amazing thing. "Ems, Ems you have to see this."

The redhead skipped to her side and, after a few seconds, saw it. There was a red and yellow bouncy castle in the garden.

"Come on," said Naomi, running to the door.

They stumbled outside, giggling, and took turns drinking from the bottle until it dropped on the grass with a hollow thump. Then, they hopped into the castle, bumping against its walls and each other. It was like trying to walk on jelly. She jumped her way across it and tried to lean on one of the wobbly walls for support. Shrieking, Emily pushed her but ended up being the first to fall, although Naomi went right after. She toppled down, choking on her own laughter, grasping Emily's hands for useless support.

The redhead disentangled their legs and moved on top of her, using her arms as leverage. Naomi felt the weight of Emily's lower body on her hips and realized that she had never been so turned on in all her life. She stopped laughing. Emily's perfect little face was hovering over hers, serious, questioning. Those brown eyes were saying "I'm gonna kiss you right now", but also "Do you want me to?". Something in Naomi's mesmerized face seemed to indicate that her answer was positive, because Emily moved downwards and captured her lips with her own. The pressure on her hips increased delightfully and Naomi moved her hands to Emily's back; it was the first time she was really touching her. There was now nothing between their bodies except their clothes.

Suddenly, there was a racket of cars, car horns and people whooping like animals. Emily raised her head during a second and then went back down, flat on top of her.

"It's people! Like a thousand people!"

"What? They're coming here?" Naomi's world had turned red, for the girl's hair had cascaded over her face.

"Fuck! I think it's Katie's boyfriend and his football friends."

"I have no interest in Katie's boyfriend or his football friends."

"Me neither. I don't want them to see me." Emily said.

"Okay, so, what do we do?" _You could always stay just like this, on top of me._ "Wanna leave?"

"Yeah… But what about our clothes?"

Naomi giggled and rolled over, throwing Emily off. She really didn't want her clothes, to change back into them and become that Naomi Campbell once again. It would have to be done, eventually, but she didn't want to relinquish her liberty just yet.


	5. On soliloquizing

The blonde arrived home in a state of disarray. There were two men asleep on the sofa; both had beards and long hair. Contrary to what would happen normally, she didn't care. She hurried upstairs to her room, closed the door and leaned on it. Safety. Her room had always been a haven, where thoughts could surface freely and she wouldn't have to worry about somebody guessing them through some expression in her face.

Naomi looked down at herself. Her toes were black as coal, and she didn't even want to see the state of her soles. She and Emily had scurried away from the party, barefoot and everything, wearing Pandora's flattering pajamas.

The girl in the mirror looked like a shitty mess. Her hair was ruffled over, sticking out in every direction, and her eyes were enormous and shiny. Any trace of makeup was blurred - like everything else was.

She brought a shaky hand up to her parted lips. They were burning. In fact, her whole body was aflame. It had happened. Just thinking about it made her eyes flutter. Her knees couldn't sustain her weight any longer and her body was a traitor that refused to cool off.

It had been a long time since she'd last allowed herself to feel because she'd thought it safer not to indulge herself, but now, after what had happened, her body was pleading for relief; she was hornier than ever and couldn't hold it in any longer.

Naomi sighed and slid her hands under the rubber band of the pajama bottoms, letting them drop to her ankles. She stepped out of them and walked towards the bed, removing her shirt as she went. This was surrender.

Lying in bed and closing her eyes, she allowed her mind to recreate the scene. Emily was straddling her in the inflatable castle, kissing her lightly at first and then deeper. This time, the cars didn't come and Emily didn't raise her head, because this was Naomi's room, and in her safe and secret world she could be honest with her own hunger.

Her hands moved from her stomach to the hem of her panties, then lower. She thought about caressing Emily's hair and Emily's face, how that would feel while kissing her. And she would surround Emily's waist with her arms because she wanted nothing, nothing, between their bodies, and no air, no space between their mouths.

Too far-gone to stop now, Naomi dipped her fingers between her legs and inhaled sharply.

* * *

She awoke slowly, climbing out from the greatest profundity of the deepest sleep, half-expecting not to be alone in bed, so precise had been her evocation of Emily. That was why she generally tried to avoid self pleasure: it left an Emily-shaped absence inside of her and in her bed.

Because it had always been Emily. She had not been quite thirteen and she had fallen helplessly in love. It had changed everything. When studying the planets, Naomi secretly listed it as the most influential event for the cosmos alongside the Big Bang. There were cute boys around, and she would sometimes go out with them because it was simple and easy, but for Naomi there was only "Emily" and "not-Emily", and it wouldn't go away, no matter what she did.

But what to do _now_? She had avoided the truth by hiding it behind a bunch of MDMA-spiked brownies, which was just as stupid as Emily's previous MDMA-related lie, but it would have to do. Naomi was not ready to face it under any other context now that she had realized how easy it was to let go. It scared her to no end.

It had happened, but how in the world had it happened? Naomi rolled off the bed and to her feet, stepped over her discarded underwear, and opened the top drawer on her desk. She pulled out a small, worn-out notebook and dove back into bed. She had never been good at keeping a diary, basically because her secrets were her own and they were safer in her head anyway. And why would she need to write them down? Was her mind not efficient enough? Of course it was; it was all she'd ever had and all she'd ever counted on.

_So why don't you throw away the fucking notebook?_ Every once in a while she asked herself that question, but the answer was simple; it reminded her of a more innocent time: the short time span between falling for Emily and concluding that love was too scary. During that time, she had indeed written horrid poetry and recorded her pathetic impressions when she hovered around "E" like a housefly because she couldn't even speak to the girl.

After all this -Naomi flipped the pages of the little book-, now Emily wanted to get close to her. If there had ever been a challenge… Could she do it? Could she do the "friend thing"?

* * *

"So, Hamlet. What's it all about… dudes?"

"_Dudes"? Really, Josie, really?_ Not only did they have to read and review 'Hamlet', like some amateur housewife book club, but it was being spoon-fed to them by a teacher like Josie. The poor woman was trying to make it "cool" and was failing miserably. In Naomi's opinion, Shakespeare couldn't be _made _cool because it didn't need to; Shakespeare _was_ cool, mostly.

At the moment, Naomi had other battles to fight, and they had very little to do with Hamlet's tug of war with madness. Her mind was focused on not looking at Emily. She had greeted her when entering the classroom but, thankfully, the seats beside the redhead had been taken already.

Since no one was answering Josie's question, the woman resorted to use her left hand as a puppet: it was called Gerald, and it represented the precious, know-it-all student she wished for but never got. Naomi didn't even have a word for it. _But someone with a Psychiatrist degree might._ The class exchanged puzzled glances.

"Well, Josie, through the fog of his grief, Hamlet is struggling to choose between action or inaction, and through this struggle, he encounters existential forces illuminating the path towards death, which is, in itself, life," Josie said, doing Gerald's voice. "My, my, that _is_ an illuminating thesis, Gerald. Well done! -Well, thank you. -No, thank _you_, you're a delight to teach."

Naomi felt like _she_ was the one being killed with poison poured down her ear, not Hamlet's father. Just then, Freddie entered the classroom, skateboard in hand.

"I got held up," he explained.

"Freddie's always late," Josie said, still speaking through Gerald.

"Sorry."

Josie told Freddie to sit down and then kept interacting with her hand, saying that Freddie was going to fail his A-levels. However, Naomi spotted something more interesting going on. Freddie was hesitant; he didn't know whether to sit with Cook or beside Effy. The way that the boy was always making puppy-eyes at the brunette made it no secret, but there was also something going on with Effy. When Freddie finally chose to sit with the girl, Naomi saw her stiffen. She recognized what was happening to them, that Freddie couldn't help it and Effy would try to fight it.

"You're all going to fail if you don't read the… _pucking_ book," Josie was saying.

"I've read it! It was great!" Pandora cried.

The teacher was delighted. "Oh!"

"I didn't really understand it, though."

"Oh." Josie's smile faded.

"Did the ghost do it after all, or was it Voldemort? He's a right beast, innee?"

Thankfully, Emily intervened before Josie had a seizure. "Um, I think you've got your books mixed up again, Panda."

Seeing that the class participation wasn't being particularly helpful, Josie began reciting the play's themes. But there was a different play taking place in that same classroom, or rather, a similar one. Freddie was stealing quick glances at Effy, and Naomi understood the seriousness of it; how you tried not to look and, at the same time, how you couldn't stop looking.

Effy reached out to touch Freddie's hand with one finger, most discreetly, but it seemed to be more than enough to scare the shit out of the boy. Freddie was a fellow traveler. Making eye contact with him, Naomi smiled and winked. _It feels like falling doesn't it? But all the same you want it._

"Uh, anyone else?" Josie asked, still trying to make them participate.

_Why not?_ In the struggle between action and inaction, it looked like Freddie was losing, so maybe she could give him a push.

"Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them." She faced Freddie, who already knew that she was also talking about him. "So, he goes mad and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring that somebody has to _kill_ him!"

"I'm not sure that's right," Josie said, opening the book and everything. "There's no wanking in Hamlet."

"Mmmh, yeah there is. Loads. Only they call it _soliloquizing_," Naomi transformed her fingers into quotation marks.

Cook burst out laughing in his usual, psychotic way, but she kept looking at Freddie for several seconds longer to get her message across, since she wasn't the "queen of action" either.

* * *

"There's a pub quiz at Uncle Keith's tomorrow."

Naomi glanced at Emily's adorable little face and then returned her eyes to the interior of her locker.

"You wanna come?" the redhead asked, seeing that Naomi hadn't responded.

"Yeah, I guess," she said, still not looking at the girl.

"Great, and maybe we can team up."

"Yeah, sure." Her voice was weak.

"Okay… So see you tomorrow."

Slowly, Emily turned around and walked away, and only then did Naomi really dare to look. Unlike Freddie, she'd been training for years, but she didn't want that for him; she didn't want him to turn cold and hard.

* * *

"WIN MEAT", said the sign at the entrance. _Really?_ Uncle Keith was reading question number twenty-three and Naomi still couldn't believe it. Part of her wanted to win those steaks to take them home and see her mother freak out, but they were never going to win if they had to answer such bizarre questions.

"Keith!" she cried. "What's up with these questions?"

"Do you wanna be disqualified?" he asked her back.

She sighed and said nothing, but Emily wouldn't stop fidgeting. The quiz was boring, but the drone of Uncle Keith's voice masked any possibility of a real conversation. They were sitting by themselves because they were a team; Freddie, Cook, and JJ were sitting at a different table. _Look at us, how we're trying to hang out. _

The door of the pub opened and it was Effy. _Good_. Then, Naomi noticed that she had come with a tall guy in a leather jacket.

"Hi, Eff, what's up?" Emily asked.

"Hi, Eff."

"You all right?" asked Effy.

"Yeah, fine," said the redhead. "Who's this?"

Effy paused for a moment and then glanced at the boy. "What is it?"

"Mike," said Mike, and then followed Effy through the pub.

"Romantic!" Naomi exclaimed, but it really wasn't funny.

It was pretty clear what was going on: they were all going to keep on wanking.


	6. The lake and the cat flap

She was nothing, nowhere, floating in peace, when suddenly, she became aware of having a mouth, for there was something being stuffed into it - something that tasted disgustingly. Trying to cough out the thing, Naomi managed to awake, and sat up in horror when she realized that it was a human foot. Indeed, there were two feet on her pillow, one with a blue sock and another with a red sock, and both had holes in them.

"Jesus Christ!" she croaked. "What the fuck?"

Someone. Someone in her bed. The duvet lifted and a man's head emerged at the foot of the bed. He looked sleepy, unconcerned.

"Jesus Christ! Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm a friend of your mum's," he answered. "I had nowhere to kip. Sweetheart, isn't she? Even if she doesn't believe I'm the actual messiah…"

"Mum!" she cried in panic, without taking her eyes off self-appointed messiah. "Mum!"

Since there was no answer, Naomi fumbled with the sheets and jumped out of bed. _For fuck's sake, now I've even got people sleeping in my own bed!_

"Who the hell does she think she is? This is bloody ridiculous. Does nobody understand privacy?" she fumed, marching towards the door.

The man was still looking at her, although he was rubbing his eyes and didn't seem bothered about the fact that she was stark naked. Nonetheless, Naomi considered that she should maybe make a point of it. "I'm naked. I sleep… naked."

"Ain't nothin' I haven't seen before," he said, nonchalantly. "You look like your mum, actually. You've even got the same haircut she has."

Naomi looked down at herself, not quite believing what she had just heard and not wanting to hear any more. She turned around and fled from the room as fast as she could. "Mum!"

_Why the fuck aren't you answering me? Someone could be murdering me with an axe and you still wouldn't fucking listen. _She found a pile of clean clothes next to the washing machine and managed to get dressed. Then, she walked to the living room, finally finding her mother. She was sitting at the table with one of her friends and the man who always wore headphones. _Can't you see that we cannot keep on living like this?_

"Has anyone ever told you what a complete fucking cow you are?" she burst out.

"Plenty of people," her mother didn't even bat an eye, which increased Naomi's irritation. "Take a look at this, would you, love? We're thinking of banning it from the group-shopping list."

It was a banana. They were actually having a debate about vetoing the evil, patriarchal bananas. This wasn't a lifestyle; it was a bloody freak show. _Mum, please concentrate and set your fucking priorities straight. _

"There's a man. In my room. In my _bed_, Mum!"

"He had nowhere else to go. It's called communal living, sweetie."

"God! You're so… irritating!" _Can't you please stop being the perfect activist for just one fucking second and be my mother?_

She reached out, grabbed the offending banana, peeled it and took a big bite from it before dropping it back on the table. At least she got to enjoy the sight of her mother cringing. _There._ _Fucking phallic, patriarchal symbol my arse_. With that, she wiped her mouth and marched out of that madhouse.

* * *

Still vexed by what had happened at home, Naomi started climbing the stairs that led to Roundview, together with a hundred other people. She felt swallowed up by the crowd, but she wanted to disappear by being by herself, not by being undistinguishable from a mass.

Then, she spotted Emily at the top of the stairs, searching the crowd with eager eyes and a hopeful glow in her face. She knew instantly that the redhead was waiting for her and it made her heart race because here was everything she had ever wanted _wanting her back_, but she couldn't face the girl. Now that her defenses were weak, she couldn't tolerate any more intrusions. God knew what Emily would do to her. No, to interact with her, Naomi needed to recompose her front.

She camouflaged behind a horde of blondeness and scurried away to the spot near the parking lot where she usually went to have a smoke and some thinking time. Then, she spotted Kieran, who often joined her, and it was fine because he was safe. He wasn't all irony and carelessness like he made his students believe, just like Naomi wasn't like that deep down either – although, if needed, they could also be misanthropic together. The guy just hated his job and thought that most of those kids were stupid, and she could only share that opinion.

"Hi," he greeted her.

"Hey." She lit up a cigarette.

"I'm late. Am I late?"

"Course not. Besides, this is hardly an appointment, is it?"

"Kept behind by Cruella de Vil," he explained, meaning Harriet.

"And what did the college director want?"

"To send me on a motivation course. 'The Feeling Healing Teaching Programme'."

"Fuck's sake…" She shook her head at the thought of that actually existing. Naomi despised and couldn't trust anything specifically designed to help her or anybody else. It was presumptuous, to say the least. Besides, nobody could really get inside her head.

"And guess what? I fucking hate teaching!" He laughed quietly. "So how's your mum? Still saving the world one lentil at a time?"

Kieran had listened to her rants about her mother more than once and more than twice. She felt like she could trust him with that and he would understand her exasperation.

"Well, you know… Sometimes she's up, sometimes she's down." _Never once tries to provide a single ounce of stability to my life._

He did understand.

"And the Mother Nature thing is getting tired," Naomi went on. "I've got fifteen people living in my house and none are paying rent."

"Still, can't be _all_ bad. Made you, didn't she?" he paused. "Although apparently Fred West's daughter's a charm. Hope for us all, eh?"

Right… Naomi felt flattered and wasn't ashamed to admit to herself that she enjoyed feeding off from Kieran's attention. He was a cool adult who didn't treat her like a child and apparently considered her cool also.

The bell chose to ring just then, and Kieran flicked away his cigarette and marched off after telling her that there was going to be some kind of surprise during assembly she wouldn't want to miss. With her countenance somewhat reconstructed, Naomi tossed away her half-smoked cigarette and went towards the building.

* * *

At the assembly room, Naomi spotted Effy and Pandora and sat on a table in front of them, smiling at them curtly. Following the brunette's brief and unwilling look towards the left, she located Freddie, who was sitting on a sofa surrounded by a moody aura. Had the boy finally grown some courage? Had Effy relented? Had something already happened between them?

"What's going on there?" she asked.

"Nothing," Effy answered, a little hurriedly, and immediately told Pandora to shut up without even bothering to look at her; she already knew that the girl had opened her mouth to spill the beans.

Naomi didn't pry. She could gather that Effy felt trapped with her unwanted feelings and couldn't shake them off no matter what she kept trying. The brunette glanced over her shoulder at Cook, who was surrounded by girls, and left without saying a word. Okay… it seemed like Effy had a nice triangular situation going on.

"Naomi! Hey."

Of course she couldn't really escape from Emily, and when the redhead approached her with a smile she looked away and didn't respond - not to "Naomi" and not to "Hey". But that didn't stop Emily from sitting next to her; nothing seemed to stop her, really. It was taking everything she had to keep on being _that_ Naomi, the hard one. Those previous years it had been easier, but now they were around each other all the fucking time - and part of her wanted it that way and even wished for more.

Suddenly, somebody turned off the light and there was a chorus of girlish shrieks coming mainly from the blonde horde area. Then, there was the sound of thunder, and Doug materialized out of nowhere, draped in a cape and holding a flashlight under his chin like he was going to tell them a horror story. The projected images of some epic battle appeared behind him.

"In ancient times before the now, there was an almighty blazing row between two kingdoms tall and proud," he said, in a dramatic voice. "How to decide this without blood?"

His performance was interrupted by Harriet, who turned on the light and explained rather straightforwardly that there was going to be an election for the Student President. There were groans of disgust all around followed by general aloofness while the woman read the rules from the pamphlet.

"The election is next week, so if you wish to stand, please see Doug after assembly."

The redhead turned to her with an excited expression and nudged her gently.

"You," she whispered.

Naomi, who was slouching and had her arms crossed in a defensive position, frowned at the girl. "What?"

"Go on," said the redhead, jerking her head towards the door.

"No," said Naomi, shaking her head.

Seriously? Emily wanted her to run for Student President? _Yeah, right._ She shook her head one last time and jumped down from the table, wanting to get out from there as soon as possible. However, the redhead was right behind her.

"I thought you'd like to be Student President," Emily said.

_You thought I'd like the lamest job ever? _"You've got to be joking. I'm not gonna help run this place!"

"I don't get it! Why not?"

Naomi bit her finger. _Just… fucking stop, please. Don't follow me around._

"You really care about this stuff," Emily went on.

"What stuff?"

Naomi entered the computer room to retrieve her folder with little Emily still hot on her heels. _Jesus, don't you ever get tired?_ She wasn't even thinking clearly about the election thing because having the girl around her like that was enough to mess up her concentration.

"Equality, environmentalism, feminism, I-don't-ever-want-to-shut-my-mouth-ism…"

_Ooh, nice. In a nutshell. That _is _me. _"Great. You're making me sound great."

However, in that moment she realized something and had to exit the classroom as fast as she could before Emily could read her real reaction in her eyes.

"Come on! Come on, you know about politics, you're always talking about it," Emily said, unknowingly digging the knife deeper into Naomi's heart.

The thought had never crossed her mind before. They hadn't known each other well in middle school. They hadn't talked much, not even _that_ night. But here was Emily, claiming to know things about her - interests, motivations. The redhead hadn't meant to classify her; she wasn't putting her in a box. It was quite the opposite, really. She was saying: "I know about you, I've been paying attention all along".

_Oh, God._ The realization sent a shiver down her spine. The kiss hadn't been the beginning for Emily. The kiss had just been a marker for something which had happened before that. Feelings, like her own - not only lust. That was what the "I want to kiss you now" thing had really been about. She also remembered the moments before the kiss at Pandora's place, how it had seemed to her that they had been dancing. Naomi had watched. Had Emily watched as well? Had they been dancing since the very beginning?

Naomi stopped in the middle of the hallway, faced the redhead and sighed.

"Emily…" _Emily what? Emily, for the love of God, stop, please stop because I do have a breaking point and I cannot let that happen?_ She would have to push her away once more. "We've had about three conversations our entire lives, so the idea that you know that I'm 'always' talking about anything is a bit ridiculous."

Evidently getting the message (mainly because Naomi had just shoved it down the girl's ears), Emily uttered a very soft "Okay" and turned to leave, almost bumping into Cook, who was bidding them good morning. The redhead shot him a look that could burn through a wall and kept walking.

"Ah, love is all around," he said, wearing his dumb, teasing smile.

"Piss off," Naomi told him, and proceeded to walk away from him.

However, he wasn't finished. "Naomikins, I've been thinking. You should see more cock."

_Really, Cook, really? Here we go again with the cure thing? That's the way to seduce me._ "Pardon?"

"Yeah, me and you, we should go to it. Know what I'm sayin'?"

_I probably don't, because you're so subtle… _Could he possibly be serious with that approach? Of course not, he was incapable of being serious. "Excuse me? 'Go to it'?"

"Yeah, definitely," he sneered.

"You've got about as much chance of fucking me as becoming the democratically elected Student President of this dump."

"Yeah, well I enjoy a challenge."

He was always so insistent because she was a challenge. Fine, whatever, she wasn't challenging him. "Yeah?"

"Babe, you've got a deal." He chuckled and started to leave, proudly slinging his suspenders over his shoulders.

_Oh, no_. She realized what she had done too late. "What? No, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I'm not going to-"

_I'm not going to fuck you!_ But Cook was already inside the classroom, proclaiming that he had just guaranteed himself a shag.

"What? Oh, fuck!" _Now this._

* * *

How could that arsehole even fathom that she was going to sleep with him if he won the election? But was he really going to run? It was fucking absurd. She crept outside of Doug's classroom; there was a sign stuck to the door that said "ELECTION REGISTRATION". The sign covered the glass on the door almost completely, so Naomi couldn't see who was inside.

She spotted several boxes stacked against the wall, so she dropped her handbag and climbed them like some steps. Peeking through the strip of glass that had remained uncovered, Naomi made out Cook's back, leaning over Doug's desk. Was he really filling out the fucking form?

Suddenly, the door opened from the inside and pushed Naomi, who fell off from the top box with a yelp. She landed on her back just as that loser idiot Crispin exited the classroom. He fixed her with his stare, as if she was the most disgusting creature in the world and said that all girls were stupid. Was he running for president as well? The horror.

Naomi made a face, but then Cook came out of the room and saw her like that, sprawled on the floor. He cackled like a hen, figuring her out.

"I can see your knickers," he said, like a six-year-old.

She pulled down the hem of her skirt, cursing inwardly while the boy just reveled in her humiliation.

"You? President?" She sat up.

"Why do people keep saying that? Me, president… You, my slave," he said brightly, and then started moving his hips as if he were fucking her from behind.

_Why? because you're a gigantic tosser_. Naomi stood up. If he thought she was going to stay and listen to his nonsense…

"Why are you fighting it, Naomi?" he asked. "You want it, I want it. Let's get together and feel all right."

What kind of signal could she have given off to indicate Cook that she wanted it? What had his sick mind perceived? "You couldn't make me feel all right if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood on a cement mixer."

"Too pussy to take a chance, little girl."

She left him there, still cackling, unabashed, even amused.

"See you next time," she said, and gave him the finger, which she guessed would only inspire him more in the end.

* * *

The day was finally over. She'd had quite enough excitement, with Emily following her and then having to push her away once more, and with Cook preying on her. She had even covered her legs with a pair of leggings she stored in her locker after Cook's humiliation, which didn't please her one bit because she considered it an externalization of her weakness.

Naomi was walking towards the bicycle rack when she heard Kieran's voice. "I… was gonna ask you if you wanted a lift."

"What?"

"You know, save your legs… your wheels. Only if you…"

Okay, this was an improvement. The teacher's attention still flattered her, and he was always so nice and awkward. "You can give me a lift."

"Great!"

Naomi started walking towards the car, which was the color of mustard and looked quite run-down, while Kieran went round to the driver's side and had to kick open the door of the passenger's side from the inside.

"Mind the spring," he said, as she got in.

"Where?" she asked, as she sat down and immediately discovered where. Okay, being raped by a spring wasn't exactly in her plans, but yeah, whatever.

But then, the car -if that was what it really was- couldn't even start. What a relic. "This is some automobile you've got here."

Kieran chuckled "Yeah, would you believe it only cost me two pounds-fifty? And three tokens from the top of Weetabix packets?"

"Yeah, I really would believe that."

The car was never going to start, no matter how much he huffed and puffed and pleaded. Finally, he gave up. "Naomi, can you give me a lift on your bike?"

* * *

It felt both somewhat uncomfortable and empowering to be having a conversation with a teacher in which he was freely criticizing the education system and his own colleagues - particularly Harriet. Kieran hated the job but hated what was being done with it a little more. Nobody gave a shit about the kids, not really.

"It's all part of her grand love note to Ofsted," Kieran said, pushing her bike. "It looks good to have a student president. Will that person have power?"

"Will they bollocks." _See?, _she wanted to tell everybody_. It's fucking useless._

Kieran told her he had run for office once, got a total of six votes, and thus decided that he'd better help shape the young minds of tomorrow… only to discover that they didn't have minds, just mild jangling things between their ears.

"Mild jangling things that are color-coordinated to go with their shoes!" she cried, mockingly.

"I think you should stand." Kieran took out an application form from his pocket.

"What? Why?" If anyone understood that the effort was quite hopeless it was him.

"Come on. You're the best, we both know it."

_Oh, really? _"Is that a compliment? Are you complimenting me?"

"Oh, I've got a few compliments in me," he paused. "Listen, is it my drug problem, or is someone waving at that window?"

Naomi turned around and saw her mother waving at them with both hands like a madwoman, a big smile on her face. "Oh… God, it's my mum. Don't look. Shit. She's so embarrassing!"

"I wanna meet this mythical creature!"

"No," she said, firmly, and took her bicycle from him. "Bye…"

Never. Those were two worlds she would never want to mix: her mum and one of the few people she could actually talk to. For the sake of her own sanity, she needed to keep things nice and separate.

Then, she went back to where Kieran was still standing and snatched the application from his hand. Even if it all seemed quite useless, she cared about it and believed in it. And she was good at it. "Thanks."

Leaving the bike outside, Naomi entered the house and encountered the daily chaos. There was a Rastafarian guy sifting through the mail and throwing the discarded letters on the floor. Naomi picked them up, tore the pile from the guy's hands, and returned it to its place beside the door. Angrily, she slid past "Jesus Christ" and the feminist, who were arguing, and went towards the kitchen. Before getting there, she crossed the guy who was always wearing his headphones - that was the only thing he was wearing. _Fucking nudist. At least the other day he was wearing a sodding apron_.

Her mother came out of the kitchen to greet her, carrying a baby. "Hey, I was waving! You were with a man!"

_Excuse me, was I supposed to wave back at you? _"What is this, Surveillance Culture?"

"I was just saying. He looked nice."

"He's my Politics teacher, all right?"

"Okay, just saying. Nice to see you with a guy, makes a change."

She never brought anybody home, man or woman; if she could help it, not even to her door. _So now you've chosen this moment to act like a mum?_ Although not really… Couldn't she see that he was at least twice her age _and_ her teacher?

"Anyway," her mum went on, "do you want to come and help me feed…?"

"You don't even know who you're feeding? This is our house, Mum!"

"Yeah, of course it is. I think someone stole the telly from your room."

Sighing tiredly, Naomi stormed off. She didn't need to listen to her mother justify the robbery by saying that the thief surely needed it more than she did. Nothing was sacred. Everything was so wrong in her house at so many levels, and all she could do about it was to lock herself up in the refuge of her room.

"Jesus, is there never any peace?" she asked no one in particular, and opened the door.

And there, sitting on her bed, hands folded neatly on her lap, was Emily. This was not one of her dreams. It took her a moment to refocus, to remember who she was - who she was supposed to be.

"How did you get in here?" _Why can't I ever drive you away?_

"This weird guy let me in. Looks a bit like Jesus?"

"Yeah…" Great, now Emily had seen the complete madness that was her life. She closed the door, lest something weirder than Jesus walked by. "It's like a game of Christ-themed Guess Who in this house. What do you want?"

Naomi crossed her arms and grumpily leaned on the desk. All she was asking for was some peace, and now she couldn't even find some in her own bedroom. She felt terribly vulnerable, like she always did when completely alone with Emily, and all she could do was fight it by biting back.

"I wanted to give you this." Emily placed an application form for the election on the bed.

"You're very annoying." _And disgustingly cute as well, you relentless, adorable little thing. Why do you keep coming back to me? Why?_

"Yeah, well, you seem to inspire it in me."

_Of course._ But lately, Emily wasn't backing off as much as before. She was being brave and answering her right back, as if she could see through Naomi's hostility and disregard it because it wasn't important, it wasn't who she really was. She was reminded of the redhead's "You liked that" after the kisses they had shared. Even though Naomi felt that every additional word spun her more and more into that unshakable spider's web, she couldn't help finding the girl endearing in her comeback.

With a small grin, Naomi placed the application form Kieran had given her on the bed, next to the one Emily had brought. "Jinx."

"You're gonna run? Great," Emily said, cheerfully. She stood up. "I'll help with the form."

_Here it is_, Naomi realized. The redhead was trying to get close to her, and she was also standing very close to her, physically. The truth was that her heart could not tolerate the "friend thing", and her mind was ordering her to run because any kind of contact was dangerous, and before she knew it she could end up rolling around with Emily in an inflatable castle, without an ounce of control left in her.

"No, Emily, I don't need any help." _Please, let me be._

"Right. Okay. Well, see you," the redhead said, a bit fast. She grabbed her handbag and smiled at Naomi as she went out of the room.

Just like that? Naomi was almost disappointed at the speed with which the redhead had just accepted her words. However, that smile had been a sad one, and it made Naomi feel bad, as always. However, as she dropped her handbag on the floor and checked the time absentmindedly, she heard the door of her bedroom open. Emily had rushed back inside.

"Just so you know, my first thought when I see you is not 'I want to fuck that girl'."

"No, I…" _I know. I didn't mean that._

"We've kissed. Twice. It was nice. But it's also nice just _being _with you. When you're not being a _prick_, that is."

Naomi looked away, registering the new information. Really? Was it "nice", being with her, when she wasn't being a prick? But she worked so hard to be one, and Emily had still managed to see past that and see something "nice". Had she been right to think that the redhead had been watching her from a distance as well?

She looked back at Emily. "Thanks."

"You should run for President because I think you'd be good at it. It's that simple, okay?"

Emily following her around, trying to convince her to run for Student President… It was real interest. The redhead was not only telling her "I _see_ you", but "I _know_ you".

"Okay…" her voice was frail. "Then you should… stay."

The redhead didn't respond immediately. Was she surprised? "Thanks. I will."

Then, she closed the door and walked back towards the bed. Naomi could only watch and wonder if part of her destiny had somewhat been sealed by telling Emily to stay. This was her room, her safest place, and she stood still while the redhead made herself at home there, dropping off her bag and walking straight to where Naomi was to borrow a pen from the desk, and then sitting on the floor using the bed as a table to scribble on the form. Emily looked as if she'd never been happier, and Naomi rolled her eyes, following the redhead's journey around her very own room as she changed it forever with her little touches here and there like she were sprinkling it with fairy dust.

"Hey, you wanna fill this out? I don't think you want me to do this for you."

Slowly, Naomi pushed her lower back away from the relative safety of the desk and went to sit next to Emily on the floor. Taking the form Kieran had given her so she wouldn't have to peer over Emily's shoulder, she skimmed through the questions.

"Right, so…" She cleared her throat and read the first item. "Please tell us about your political views."

Emily giggled in her husky manner. "Left-wing radical?"

"Oh, yeah, you know me so well!" She couldn't help smile at Emily's teasing ways. "Go on, leftie, feminist, egalitarian, environmentalist… All the big words."

"But not vegetarian."

Naomi almost gulped. She _had_ been observing her. "Not quite."

She wanted to tell Emily that she wasn't a hundred percent anything, that she was scrappy and still unformed, and that it wasn't a bad thing; it just meant that she still had plenty to learn and lots of things to do with her life. She wanted to go beyond that awful questionnaire which was only trying to label her because she knew that Emily wouldn't do that. What had prompted the sudden desire to bare herself? Was Emily's presence so magical? That was why Naomi always put up a fight before letting go, because once she did let go, there was no telling what could happen.

"Tell us about your campaign ideas. Please outline any thoughts (if you already have any) on your policy regarding the position of President and what would you do should you win."

While Emily read from the application, Naomi crouched and poked her head under the bed. There was something she had been storing, and the moment to use it had come. She dragged her arm under the bed and finally found one of two vodka bottles.

"This'll help us with the campaign ideas."

The redhead grinned. "Definitely."

"I don't have anything to mix it up with, though."

"I don't care." Emily unscrewed the cap, took a swig straight from the bottle, and handed it back.

Nothing short of impressed, Naomi glanced at her sideways while drinking from the bottle. The redhead licked her lips, took off her jacket, and then slid down slowly until she was lying on her back. The burning liquid quickly made its way through Naomi's insides, warming and relaxing her. She took off her shoes and slid onto the floor as well, next to Emily, although their heads and feet were pointing in opposite directions.

"So what do you suggest, condom vending machines next to the soft drinks?"

Naomi raised her head to peer at the other girl. "I thought there already was one."

"Oh. Funny how I never noticed."

_Or not funny at all,_ Naomi mused, arching her right eyebrow.

"Campaign slogans, then," the redhead went on. "You're gonna need one."

"Naomi Campbell… No, let's drop the surname. Naomi… Naomi…" She drank again from the bottle, handed it to Emily, and reflected in silence. Then, her expression brightened. "Naomi… get to know me."

The redhead's laughter took her by surprise. "What?"

She felt self-conscious for a moment, but her head was too far up in the clouds to let that sensation stay. Then, she realized that her shoulder was pressed against Emily's, that their upper arms were touching. It was enough to make her lose her focus, and she had to regain it by fixing her eyes on the ceiling.

"I can just see it now, in lights. Naomi - get to know me!"

They turned to glance at one another at the same time. Emily was playing with the bottle cap and smiling at her in the most open and beautiful of ways.

"I thought it was quite catchy," Naomi protested. It even rhymed.

"Yeah, well, so's AIDS," Emily retorted.

Naomi giggled, enjoying the fact that Emily always challenged her with her responses and displayed a really wicked sense of humor. This was Emily, when Katie wasn't around swallowing her up, and she had seen enough instances of that to know she liked it. But if Emily could do something, it was creating a safe space -a psychological one- for them to _really be_ and be together. If Naomi let her, Emily could make it okay. Yes, it felt okay.

The girl was there because she believed in her. In _her_, as if she was something valuable. But Naomi had forced herself to think during most of her life that there was so little to believe in… particularly, so very few people -least of all, herself-, that allowing herself to dream was a great leap of faith. And it was dangerous.

"Do you think I can do it?" she asked, looking up at Emily.

"I think you can do anything," answered the redhead, straight away.

No hesitation, no doubts. Not "you" as in anyone, but "you" as in Naomi Campbell, and "anything" meaning everything, only if she wanted it hard enough and was brave enough to make it happen. Her dreams. Emily was saying: I believe in you, you're allowed to dream. But she couldn't be a dreamer and get to keep the hard shell and the cynic point of view, because dreaming meant both letting go and believing in something better. And that would leave her defenseless, because failure and deceit were just around the corner.

It seemed like everything in her well-composed personal universe was collapsing. Emily brought out Naomi's real self effortlessly, and she was scared of losing her grip, her control, and having nothing solid to land on, because she was afraid of that real self. But here was Emily, telling her that it was okay and that she could do it.

Everything was possible and she felt at peace, and drunk, and better than ever, and could be flirty again, and she wondered… she had been wondering ever since she'd discovered that there was a word for it. Recently, she had also wondered about Emily.

"I've been wonderin'…" She propped herself up on her elbow.

"Yeah?" Emily rolled on her stomach, giggled and faced her, still twirling the bottle cap around.

Naomi fingered her necklace nervously, because she was about to step into a new territory. "What do lesbians… do?"

The redhead looked away, grinning wickedly, and took a swig from the bottle like she needed it, which made Naomi laugh.

"I mean, in bed."

"I know what you _mean_! But why would I know?"

Naomi smiled. "You've never…?"

"No, I've never!" The redhead laughed throatily and unscrewed the bottle before passing it to her.

"I mean…" Naomi coughed out a laugh. "Is it all brogues and strap-ons, or…?"

_Or… or is it what I imagine when I dare to imagine? Because when I imagine you…_

"No!" Emily cried. "I don't know. They just… do what we do to ourselves. Only to each other. Probably slightly more aggressively, and with, you know... oils and stuff."

They giggled together, and Naomi felt drunk, and silly, and oddly turned on by the whole situation and Emily's words. The girl had seemed engrossed in her own awkward explanation, but the "we" and "each other" bits had grabbed Naomi's attention. _That's what we would do, wouldn't we?_ Their eyes met during an eternal moment, creating a wrinkle in time which was getting intense. Naomi pressed her lips together, not knowing what to do with them.

Finally, she raised her eyebrows playfully and smacked her lips. "Oils, eh?"

"Yeah. And stuff."

Emily laughed again, and Naomi lay back down on the rug, wondering what the "stuff" would be. Candles, maybe? Candles would be good. But then, oils sounded good also, especially the way Emily pronounced the word, which she tried to replicate.

"Oilsss."

"Yeah, lots of it. Oils."

Naomi giggled, almost soundlessly. _Fucking hell, lots of oils._ "Where d'you put it, oils?"

"On salad."

They burst out laughing. Naomi couldn't help imagining herself in a cartoonish way, sitting on a plate, surrounded by lettuce and with Emily pouring different kinds of oils on her. "It's an… _oily_ situation, then."

* * *

The redhead looked like she was going to choke in a giggling feet if she didn't roll on her stomach. "I'm so fucking pissed."

Surrounded by a beautiful, cloudy sensation, Naomi sat up and leaned on the foot of the bed, where she could look down at Emily's back. "Me too."

"I don't think I can walk."

"Then don't. You can just, you know, crawl…" Naomi laughed and made a wavy gesture with her fingers, realizing that she was pointing them at the bed.

Her bed. It didn't even seem like a bad idea. There were no alarms sounding off in her mind because she had drowned them all in lots of vodka. _Fuck'em._

"You should stay," Naomi said, for the second time that afternoon.

"All right," said the redhead, and started peeling off several layers of clothing.

Naomi followed the girl's example until only her shirt and underwear remained. Then, she whooped and jumped on the bed, vodka bottle in hand like an inseparable friend. Emily giggled and half-dragged herself to the other side of the bed, kicking at the covers and finally settling under them. Naomi felt drowsy almost at once, as if the only thing keeping her wide awake had been the lack of a bed under her back. She peered at the redhead through half-closed eyelids and smiled because Emily's face was the last thing she was going to see before falling asleep and couldn't believe it. As if she knew, Emily smiled back.

* * *

Naomi woke up and it was as if less than a minute had gone by since she had closed her eyes. However, the light in the room suggested otherwise. Still clutching the vodka bottle, a remnant of the evening, she turned to the right and saw Emily, who was facing away from her. Many nights she had wondered if thinking about the redhead would actually conjure up the girl, but this was no magic trick; Emily was there by her own volition and mainly because Naomi had asked her to stay. Twice. She couldn't and shouldn't forget that. Weakness? Confirmed and reconfirmed.

She was still caught in that spider's web. _Caught in silk, yes_, Naomi mused, while reaching out to touch Emily's hair. The gesture was involuntary, completely natural, just like breathing, and that was precisely the problem, wasn't it, how good it all felt, how easy? And vodka was not the reason, but the lie, the excuse, the enabler. Vodka was not responsible for the creeping sensation she was beginning to feel in her gut.

It was as if she were stuck in a roller coaster ride. Up, down, up, down, a twist, and now, the looming free fall. Half-naked Emily sleeping in her bed. Naomi felt dizzy, entrapped by the white, soft seduction of Emily's back and the contrasting vermillion brightness of her hair.

"Fuck's sake…" Snapping out of it, Naomi shook her head and climbed out of the bed. _Jesus, what is wrong with you?_

Here it was, the need to run. Physically, she wasn't completely naked, but she felt it, particularly now that the warmth provided by Emily's body was gone. One leg slung over the duvet, the redhead rolled on her other side as if she had sensed that Naomi was no longer close to her.

"What are you doing?" Naomi muttered to herself while glancing at the girl.

She was starting to let go, she was slipping, one finger at a time. The other part of her, the hidden one, was taking over. This was the outcome of getting closer to Emily, something she didn't need to worry about years ago, when she was just an observer from afar. There was no distance anymore, and not only physical distance: they were bonding. They were also having intense "moments" and exchanged looks which stopped the world from spinning, testing her self-control.

If her mind couldn't run away from it, her body would have to do. Naomi fished some clothes from the floor and went out of the room. Before closing the door, she stole one last look from the sleeping beauty, who was snuggling against her pillow, all softness and cuteness and torture.

* * *

What time was it? She hadn't even checked before leaving the house. Her watch now informed her that it was very bloody early. Her feet were spinning the bike's pedals as fast as they could, all to get away from that unsafe bedroom and that unsafe situation she had cooked up the previous evening: the consequence of joining Emily's group of friends, befriending her, kissing her, and getting cozy and close. It couldn't be denied that Naomi had allowed everything to happen. So what now? Now, as always, she was running away, backpedalling; even if her bicycle was moving forwards, Naomi was desperately backing off.

_In the name of God, what are you doing?_ _You've got to think this through. _You_ are the one who hasn't done that, not Emily._ She felt stuck in a spiral-shaped cycle and couldn't get off, but she knew that was just bollocks, excuses people used to justify their non-action. Naomi could try to lie to herself but she would never believe it, because deep inside she knew something nobody else in the world knew: that she loved Emily, that she had always loved Emily. And Emily felt for her and it was so fucking scary.

Naomi rode on and on and, finally spotting some kids wearing backpacks, navigated her bike towards college. She felt small, engulfed by the growing crowd which was approaching the building, but then realized that there was something strange going on. There were people cheering and whooping before something that looked like a massive red flag hanging down the building's façade. The flag showed a stylized Guevara-like drawing of a very familiar face. And then, as she stopped her bike next to Freddie, she heard it, the voice screaming from a megaphone: "I'm Cook! Vote for me! Vote for non-stop partying!"

"Oh God!" _What have I done?_ She had almost forgotten about Cook accepting the inexistent challenge of running for Student President. And when that boy did something, if it was for the show, he _really_ did it. Moreover, she knew that if one only screamed loud enough for long enough, a crowd would eventually gather and cheer on.

Freddie seemed to be just as astounded as she was, and he was much more used to his friend's antiques.

"Who's up there with him?" she asked, noticing that the boy had an accomplice.

"JJ," Freddie answered. "Think I lost him."

"What, JJ?"

There was a pause. "Yeah, him too."

More people were gathering before Cook's giant sign, raising their fists in the air and crying out Cook's name.

_Him too?_ Naomi thought she knew what Freddie meant with that. She knew that Cook's actions were not always as random as they seemed, like surrounding himself with girls because he couldn't sit with Effy. Maybe this was his way of dealing (or not dealing) with the growing distance between himself and Freddie and all the Effy business, instead of moping - like there was nothing to mope about. They were all still wanking about. If the trio's friendship was in peril, there was no telling what the wild boy could do.

"Is this about Effy?" she asked.

"That obvious, is it?"

_Are you fucking kidding me?_ "So tell her."

"I did."

Really? Naomi was almost impressed; she thought the boy would never dare, not even after her little "push" during English class.

Then, Freddie turned to look at her, almost indignantly. "It should make a difference when someone loves you, shouldn't it?"

She glanced at him, but he wasn't looking at her anymore and, with that, he left. Cook was shaking his ass at the crowd while everybody cheered him on. Freddie had let Effy know, and now he was powerless - there was nothing else he could do, apart from waiting. Now it was Effy's turn to make a move. It _should_ make a difference, but what if one could not move?

Naomi pushed her bicycle on, walking away from the scene while everybody else was running towards it. Well, almost everyone. She spotted Emily rushing behind her, and couldn't pretend that she hadn't.

"Hi," Emily said, as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn't woken up in Naomi's bed without Naomi.

It made her feel guilty, so she kept walking, instinctively running away from the thing that was troubling her.

"Hi."

Jesus, what else could she say? Emily caught up with her and peered at her with crossed arms. Naomi had to look away; she couldn't do this; she couldn't just engage in a normal, harmless conversation like there was nothing going on. The undercurrent of fear and feelings was unbearable.

"You left pretty early," Emily went on.

_Yeah, I was pretty scared shitless. _She cleared her throat. "I had, um, things to do, you know?"

_So, that's just like, the worst lie ever._ Still, Emily wouldn't confront her, which was kind of puzzling.

"Well… met your mum."

"Did you?" _Dear Earth, would you please swallow me whole right about now? Thanks._

"She's nice."

"She's a _cliché_."

"She's a nice _cliché_," the redhead said, gently.

"Is she?" _She was charming, I'm sure_. The mere act of imagining the breakfast table gave Naomi the shivers. Why wasn't there a way to keep things separate, where she could at least keep an eye on them? Why was everything becoming so horribly mixed up and uncontrollable?

Sighing, she stopped pushing her bike and turned to look at Emily. The feeling that everything was collapsing around her couldn't be shaken off, and it was all due to that cute, little redhead who was always challenging her. However, now she wasn't. Was it to make her feel safe?

"Emily, look-" she began, but Emily interrupted her.

"Forgot to tell you, I made these in anticipation." The redhead reached into her handbag and pulled out a bunch of flyers, holding up one of them so she could see.

_What the…?_ There was a picture of her, smiling quite goofily, and the words "Naomi FOR PRESIDENT get it done right".

"Cool, huh?"

Naomi didn't know what to say. She was only somewhat aware that her mouth was open, but no adequate words surfaced in her brain. _You forgot to tell me that you made flyers in anticipation?_ How could Emily be so…? _What? Amazing and fucking adorable?_ After everything and after having left her alone in bed in a strange house, how could the redhead still want to help her?

"I got the message, Naomi. I'll manage."

Now, Emily had jumped off the small-talk wagon, but Naomi still couldn't respond.

"But there is one thing, though," Emily went on, a smile playing on her lips. "Well, you can't let him win now, can you?"

How she didn't turn into a gooey mess in that instant Naomi didn't know. Her insides had been reduced to mush, and not only due to the cuteness of one Emily Fitch. Naomi didn't doubt that Emily would be able to manage, but the fact that the girl still believed in her… it disarmed her. She was in awe, and could only smile.

* * *

There was nothing confusing about being a candidate in the election. She could only be thankful for that single aspect of her life that could still be managed perfectly. Cook was like a scorpion, trying to sting everybody and infect them with the poison of chaos, but she didn't feel threatened. _Lighting up a spliff instead of delivering a speech… You've got to be kidding me. _The arguments were there for her to use; she only needed to communicate them clearly and in a convincing manner, which was as easy as sticking flyers to locker doors. And she could spot Emily's cute face and bright red hair wherever she went, which she allowed herself to enjoy.

They entered the common room, which was packed, and, without thinking twice, Naomi used a chair to climb on one of the tables so that everybody could see her. She then handed her bag down to Emily, who was sporting that proud little smile she had been wearing all day.

"Excuse me, everyone. Can I just…?" she began, but they weren't paying attention. She needed to be louder. "Can you listen, please?"

Everybody hushed down and Naomi cleared her throat. "If you vote for me, I'll make sure each and every one of your voices is heard. I'll make it my business to get to know each and every-"

"Apples!"

Of course. Cook _had_ to interrupt her. He entered the room fist in the air, wearing his ridiculous, Che-inspired outfit, and walked around Naomi's table while many laughed and clapped.

"Apples and pears! Get your apples! Apples and pears, apples and pears! Apples!"

_You little twat. _"See, this is what you've got to decide! Do you want a comedy president?"

"Banana!" he shrieked, emerging from behind Effy, Pandora, and Katie with arms stretched out.

The clapping increased and it got on her nerves. "You're such a fucking joke!"

"I'm a joke? You're fucking hilarious." Cook pointed at her dismissively, meaning that giving a speech standing on top of a table was simply ridiculous.

"At least I care about something. There are issues-"

"What's so good about caring?" Cook interrupted her once more. "No one here cares. We just wanna par-ty!"

That earned him a full-blown ovation, and she felt too fucking irritated to function. However, she hadn't counted on Emily intervening.

"Cook! Any chance you could be a cunt over there, d'you think?"

The people around them oooed, and Naomi felt a sense of dread.

"Emily," she warned the redhead, who bowed down her head. _Don't help me_, she wanted to say,_ because if you help me it's going to be…_

"Aaaw, that's nice," Cook said, smiling widely, "getting your girlfriend to hold your hand. Bit of moral support, yeah? Sweet, innit?"

"No!" she cried, but nobody was listening. They were too busy giggling. At her. "Oh, fuck..."

It was all useless now; Cook was an excellent dirty fighter who knew precisely where to throw his darts. Naomi stepped down from the table, feeling completely ridiculous.

"Hey, Naomi," he called out. "If I'm a joke, at least people can have a laugh. Caring's overrated. Do you want to know my slogan? I'm Cook, vote for me, I don't give a fuck either."

She stood there, having to watch Cook throw away his own pamphlet to prove that he _really _didn't give a shit while everybody cheered for him. It all became very clear to her. Indeed, what was so good about caring? Caring had brought her there and now she felt like a walking, talking joke, and she couldn't bear it. She had to escape; she needed to disappear.

"Naomi. Naomi." Emily tried to make her look at her, but Naomi just retrieved her handbag and proceeded to walk away. However, the redhead followed her. "Naomi, wait! I'm sorry, I-"

"Just leave me alone!" she yelled at her with desperation, before storming off.

_See? This is what happens when you let yourself care. It fucking hurts._ She had left Emily standing there, stunned. Naomi wanted to blame her for weakening her and making her care, transforming her into Cook's ideal victim. That was unfair and untrue, but she felt so embarrassed and humiliated, so furious that Cook had managed to get to her…

Blindly, Naomi made her way to Kieran's classroom, which was the only place she could really go to. He was there, sitting at his desk, but stood up as soon as he saw her.

"I hate him!" she sobbed, unable to hold it in anymore. "He just… He just…" _In front of the whole college!_

Kieran knew at once who she was talking about. "Ah, he's a ball bag, right?"

The man embraced her, and Naomi buried her face in his chest for a moment.

"I was such a dick. Such a dick." And she still felt like one. It didn't help that the scene kept replaying in her mind.

"Ah, what's a bit of public humiliation? I'm a teacher, I'm used to it."

"Yeah…" She was sniveling. This was a bit ridiculous. She needed to regain her composure. "People fuck you up every day."

"Yep, every day. After a while you get to kinda like it."

That made her chuckle a little.

"No, I'm serious." Kieran brought a hand up to her face and brushed away several rebellious strands of hair. "There. You look so much prettier when you smile."

"I don't get it. Why are you so nice and all other men are such wankers?"

"Oh… Now you've got me."

Naomi looked up at Kieran, who leaned in and kissed her. She cringed and pushed him away, too shocked to do much more. _What the fuck?_

"What?"

"What?" Kieran echoed, looking away.

"But you're… Oh! You're old enough to be my dad!"

"Well… Maths was never my strong suit but, uh, I think, you know, not quite."

_Not quite? Why am I fucking reasoning with you?_ "Fuck! You… Fuck!" She brought her hands up to her head for a moment, realizing what was actually going on. _Your kindness came with a fucking price. _"I thought you liked me!"

"I do. And I do."

"What did you just do?"

"You wanted me to kiss you!"

"But I just…" The unswallowable knot returned to her throat, and with it, the tears. _No, I just…_ "I wanted to trust you."

"No, y-y-you can!"

No, she couldn't, not after this. She picked up her bag and hurried out of the classroom. Now there were no safe places left for her.

* * *

In a daze, Naomi rushed home and into her room. She sat on the bed, defeated by the day and her life in general. There was no way to stop the tears from falling; her chest was heaving and it was getting hard to breathe. No matter how much she begged, she could never get any peace. Her house was not a home - it was full of people she didn't even know; Cook had ridiculed her in college; and Kieran had been having ulterior motives all along. That was what opening up and caring did to you. You let your walls down and people were free to besiege you.

And Emily, whose eyes never lied, always managed to get her to open up and be her real self. One way or another, the redhead always told her that it was okay. But it wasn't. It was fucking dangerous, and Emily herself was the number one threat.

She pulled back the duvet, more than ready to dive into bed and never come out again, but then she spotted a small sheet of paper that had been hidden there, a note. It said simply: "Emily Slept Here".

Why, she wanted to ask, why did it never stop? Furiously, Naomi crumpled the note and flung it away.

"Fuck off!" she cried out in desperation, through her tears. _Why can't you leave me alone?_

_Why can't you leave me?_ She retrieved the note almost immediately and smoothed it out with her fingers. _And why can't I leave you?_ The truth was there, in that small piece of paper, and Emily was saying that it was all in her hands.

* * *

There was yet another argument taking place somewhere in the house. The voices were faint, but enough to wake her. Naomi stirred, turned on her back, and slowly gained back her memory. Her sleep had been soothing and dreamless, as if her body had known what her mind needed best.

Then, she felt something moist on her cheek. Rolling her eyes towards it and then raising her hand to her face, she realized that it was Emily's note. Naomi got up and, stopping before the mirror, noticed that there was still something on her cheek even after peeling off the note. The ink was now imprinted on her face, probably aided by the tears. She turned her head to take a better look and brought her fingers up to touch the name. Emily was now literally engraved on her skin; she could instinctively rub on it and try to erase it, but it would never come off - the ink eventually would, but not the girl. She understood that perfectly well. She also understood that the person who could hurt her the most was the only one who could soothe her.

Biting her lower lip, Naomi glanced down at her mobile and dialed. Then, she fixed her eyes on her own reflection while the phone rang, once, twice: the sound of the inevitable.

"Hello?"

"Can we go somewhere?" she asked, simply. _Just take me away._

"Go where?"

"Anywhere."

* * *

Naomi took off her clothes, threw them in a corner, along with the memories of that shitty day, and put on something else. She opened her handbag, stuffed a sweater inside it, and then remembered something. Snaking her hand under the bed, she pulled out a vodka bottle and slid it into her bag as well.

The redhead had pronounced only three more words over the phone: "Get your bike".

"Where are we going?" Naomi had asked the girl when she had appeared before her house, riding a bicycle of her own. She had changed clothes as well, and was carrying a small backpack.

Emily had just grinned playfully, snatched Naomi's cigarette, and tossed it away. With that, the redhead had taken off, looking back to see if Naomi was following her.

"Hey!" She had climbed on her bike and pedaled after the giggling girl.

They had now reached the countryside, and Emily was taking her down a secondary road. The redhead was a sloppy, insecure rider, and so Naomi teased her, overtaking her and looking back, laughing. She let the girl approach her, only to surpass her once more, and then startle her because the wheels of their bicycles almost touched.

Naomi had to wonder where she was being taken, but Emily wasn't giving anything away. They followed a path which led them inside the forest, and she heard the sound of birds and water before actually seeing the lake. The redhead's bicycle stopped, the brakes whining with the effort, and Naomi dragged her heel along the ground to stop hers.

The site looked otherworldly: green, alive, and hidden. They were surrounded by trees. Naomi left her bike and approached the edge of the lake. Some moments later, the redhead joined her.

"Wow," she uttered.

She glanced at Emily, who was being adorable without doing absolutely nothing, just standing there. Her red hair was arranged in a way that showed her cute, elfish ears, which Naomi didn't see often enough. It was distracting.

"It's lovely," she said, in a thankful tone. "It's a lovely place." _And you're lovely too._

"It's one of my favorites."

There was a pause, during which Naomi simply took in the scenery, trying to engrave it and its serenity in her mind, but it seemed like Emily had other ideas. Smiling quizzically, she walked away a few steps, put her backpack down, and immediately started taking her shirt off.

_Oh God._ The sight of Emily's naked back made her insecure. "I didn't bring a swimming costume."

"Neither did I," said the girl, brightly.

The redhead arranged her bra and went back to Naomi's side, still wearing that smile. Naomi realized that she was staring and had to correct herself.

"The sun won't shine forever," Emily said, and stepped out of her skirt.

"Someone might be looking!"

"Honey, your body ain't that special."

That was a blatant challenge, but she liked it when Emily challenged her. It was as if Emily became braver with every item of clothing she was removing.

_Fuck it_. "Don't look, okay?"

"Fine," Emily said, taking off her shoes.

Naomi turned her back to the girl and undressed. When she was done, she crossed her arms over her breast and looked at the redhead, who was now standing even closer than before and shamelessly looking at her. Feeling strangely at ease with it, Naomi could only let out a giggle. _You fucking liar!_

"I said don't look!" She went over to the girl and shoved her.

The redhead shoved back. "I wasn't looking! You just-"

"You _were_ looking! You were perving!"

They kept shoving and accusing each other until Emily half-jumped, and Naomi half-pushed her, into the lake. She covered her face with her hands until Emily's head emerged.

"Come on!" the redhead splashed water at her. "Get in!"

Covering her nose, Naomi sprinted towards the edge and then jumped in the lake, creating a big splatter. She was instantly enveloped by ice, or that was how it felt as she sunk. Naomi kicked and moved her arms frantically until she managed to surface, wheezing in alarm.

"Oh, Jesus!" she shrieked.

"It's freezing!" Emily cried, already starting to scramble out.

Naomi managed to laugh and swam towards Emily as fast as she could. "Hey, where do you think you're going? You're the one who wanted to swim!"

Her voice sounded strange, high-pitched, and the gelid water was prickling her skin. She dragged herself out of the lake and imitated Emily in her little tribal dance in an effort to warm up.

"Sun won't shine forever my ass!" Naomi cried.

"I didn't know it was the fucking Arctic Ocean!"

"Are we gonna die or something?"

"It's okay, I brought stuff."

Breaking up the dance, the redhead sped towards her backpack, pulled out a blanket, and threw it across Naomi's shoulders. Then, she grabbed her backpack and circled the lake.

"Come on!" Emily called out. "Down here!"

Naomi glanced down at the blanket for a moment, and then quickly scooped up her handbag and their clothes, and went after the girl. She descended a small slope and found Emily kneeling before a mound of dry twigs, lighter in hand. There was a tiny flame glowing inside the pile, which Emily was encouraging by blowing on it. She dropped their things and crouched beside the girl, who looked like a drenched kitten. Then, she shrugged the blanket off her shoulders and put it around Emily, who was starting to shiver.

"I'm fine," said Emily. "The fire's catching."

"Okay, but put some clothes on."

They put on their shirts and sweaters, spread the blanket on the ground and sat before the comforting flames. Naomi had gathered some more dry sticks and every once in a while fed one to the fire. Emily took off the little bow pinned to her hair, allowing the reddish mane to fall freely. Then, she reached for her backpack, extracted a small box, and proceeded to roll a spliff.

"I brought this," Naomi said, and pulled out the vodka bottle from her handbag.

"Cool."

She unscrewed the bottle and offered it to the redhead, who took a swig and returned it to her. They sat like that, in complete silence, for a while. It wasn't long before it started to grow dark, accentuating the sensation that they were in the middle of nowhere.

The redhead seemed to be absorbed in her task. Naomi took a big sip from the bottle and peered at her, wondering what was going through her mind.

"You all right, Em?" she asked casually, while throwing a stick into the fire.

Instead of answering, Emily raised her eyebrows and looked at her with an amused face before going back to lighting the spliff. _Huh?_

"Hello?" she waved her hand before Emily's face, who was still acting as if she hadn't heard her. "Hellooo! You deaf, or what?"

Finally, the redhead did look at her, still wearing that amused expression. "You know that's the first time you've asked me something."

"What, today?"

"Ever!"

No, it couldn't be… But then, Naomi understood what that really meant: "the first time you've asked _me_ something". It was the first time she had shown real interest in Emily, proving that she cared for her. If the redhead only knew... but she couldn't know, so Naomi's expression mirrored Emily's.

"Well answer it, then," she said, with a little shrug. "You all right?"

"No. I'm having the worst time of my life! The weather's shit. Company's even worse."

"Amen." She unscrewed the bottle and took another swig.

_Let us be sarcastic, then_. However, she understood what the redhead was doing. By saying out loud the opposite of what she was really thinking, she was letting Naomi know without really telling her, because the blunt truth could very well scare her away.

"It's peaceful," said the redhead.

"Yeah."

Emily had understood that "anywhere" meant "nowhere" - away from everything. As always, she had provided the necessary safety, which also meant danger, in a way. Naomi's opposites were constantly touching and meshing now, so much that it drove her mad. But this, now, here, was perfect, and it was all she could have wished for. Peace and quiet at last.

Using a stick, the redhead stirred the fire, but then, instead of returning her hand to the blanket, she placed it over Naomi's. Emily, who always seemed to know everything even when she didn't, had made it all right. And Naomi could only smile while her thumb and Emily's index finger stroked each other lightly, because that simple touch was affecting her entire body.

They had slowly turned away from each other and were almost back against back. Naomi was reminded of the party they had crashed on Cook's birthday, how the mere contact of Emily's back against hers had set off every alarm in her system. It almost amused her. _Look at us now._

"D'you wanna do blowbacks?" Emily asked.

"I never got blowbacks. Why can't people just smoke the damn things straight?"

"It's fun! Have you even tried it?"

_I kind of want to try it now_, she mused, allowing herself to be possessed by the ghost of temptation_._

"No. But being all-seeing, I already know it's shit." She looked away from the fire so that Emily wouldn't see her grinning, and wished that would be enough to provoke the girl.

"Come on, everything once."

"Oh, fuck it. Go ahead and disappoint me."

Naomi turned around with a smug smile on her face and watched as Emily lit the spliff and placed it between her lips, with the burning tip inside her mouth. She brought Naomi's hands to cup her face and then pulled her close by gently holding the back of Naomi's neck.

As Naomi inhaled, their eyes met, and she could honestly say that moment right there was the most intense of her entire life. She moved backwards and Emily peered at her, smiling as she breathed out some smoke. But Naomi's smile was different. Her whole being felt different, transformed by that moment. And the moment seemed to stretch and go beyond its duration, conquering both time and space.

It was all there, perhaps for the first time; it was all there for Emily to see. Naomi became transparent. Her eyes and her face were telling the truth, and Emily's expression changed because she had noticed. _This is real._

Painfully, Naomi moved forwards, keeping her arms to her sides because she couldn't, she just couldn't deal with everything that what was going on all at once, the enormity of it. But she was going to cover the last distance, the last frontier, which was to her like leaping over the ocean. She crossed the distance that she had created for herself and brushed aside all the obstacles she had scattered along the way.

She couldn't help herself because the dread of feeling unsafe was weaker than the bare, hungry want. Until then, Emily had always been the one who initiated every kiss, but now…

Now, she couldn't _not_ do it.

Naomi pressed her lips against Emily's, captured them with her own, and felt the redhead move slightly backwards in surprise. It had taken everything in her, but Emily was there, she was always there for her and, when Naomi wavered, the redhead was the one who covered the distance to her lips.

She rested her hands on the blanket to stay close to Emily, and kissed her again and again. It felt like dying, like falling, and like breathing. It was both divine and agonizing.

Emily placed her hands on her shoulders and then moved them to her hair, making every single nerve in her body tingle. They were kissing deeply now, heads tilted to the left, and Naomi felt Emily's tongue for the first time, caressing her own. Then, the redhead's lips moved to her jawline and down to her neck. Naomi threw her head back and gasped out, because here was pure, unadulterated pleasure, and the intensity was killing her.

When Emily paused and glanced at her, Naomi grasped the girl's arm desperately, bowed her head, and backed away. It was as if the earth had opened up and wanted to suck her in, but the redhead wasn't going to leave her. She kissed Naomi's neck once more before looking at her with her huge and shiny brown eyes, checking up on her with a little smile on her lips. Naomi could only smile back because it was so plain to see that the redhead did things to her.

Naomi bit her lower lip. "Say something."

She wasn't running away, she wasn't swallowing up the truth and hiding it under layers of well-trained indifference. Everything was flowing out of her, in waves, and it felt like falling because she was letting it all out and couldn't hold on to anything. However, once more, Emily provided her with a safety net.

"I'm all about experiments, me," said Emily, breathing out a tiny laugh. That was a lie and they both knew it. It was another excuse, like MDMA, and the excuse made it okay, safe for Naomi, so that those other things could happen.

The girl tugged at the edge of Naomi's sweater and slowly pulled it over her head. Naomi was disarmed. She couldn't fight. She let go. And Emily acknowledged this with a serious face. As if she couldn't quite believe it, the redhead kept still, allowing Naomi to pull off her sweater. She fixed her hair, unknowingly creating the most beautiful image Naomi had ever seen. Setting the sweater aside, she locked eyes with the redhead, and gave in.

She collided against Emily's lips. This was what she had always wanted but not always dared to imagine. The girl received her eagerly, licking her lips before the kiss in that delightful way and placing her hands on the back of her neck. Naomi moved forward and lowered the redhead on the ground, striving for more contact, but Emily rolled her over and lay on top of her. It was a moment of surrender, after being the one who had initiated this.

Emily kissed her again, and that red, moist hair fell over her face. The girl pushed her hips into Naomi's, creating a wonderful pressure that made both of them gasp. The humid smell of Emily's hair, mixed with the girl's own scent, was driving Naomi crazy; there was Emily all over her, like a vapor, but solid, and bloody real. As Emily's very solid leg slipped between Naomi's, her hands moved to circle Emily's waist, and her fingers dug into the strip of warm skin between the girl's shirt and panties.

It had all gone very real very fast, but nothing in her mind was telling her to stop. In fact, her mind had been emptied of coherent thoughts and was only providing one answer, one word: More. _More, more, more, more._

Their hips were building a slow, maddening rhythm, and when Emily slipped a hand under her shirt and stroked her way up her side, she could only grab a bunch of that red, curvy hair and press their open mouths tighter together as a way of demanding more contact.

When Emily's thumb teasingly stroked the underside of her bra, Naomi let out a whimper. She couldn't take it anymore. Without breaking the kiss, she rolled over, taking Emily with her, and caressed her under her shirt. As Emily opened her legs to leave room for her thigh, Naomi felt the dampness between them. _I'm doing this. This is because of me. _That single rational thought took her by surprise. She was acting on pure instinct, but everything she was doing was being confirmed by the delightful sounds that Emily was emitting. And now this: Emily's body reacting, waking up to her.

The redhead pushed them up to a sitting position and started taking off her shirt. Naomi helped her, shamelessly staring down at the girl's body. Then, Emily helped her out of her own shirt and straddled her, holding on to the back of her neck. She brought her hands down to Emily's thighs and stroked them hard, earning a muffled moan from the depths of the redhead's throat.

Naomi wanted to feast on those sounds and provoke even more, but the redhead laid her down and, still kissing her, snaked a hand past the rubber band of her panties and between her legs. Hissing sharply in response, that was when Naomi realized how wet she actually was. Emily's index and middle fingers made their way between her lips, caressing her slowly, and Naomi could only whimper in approval.

When Emily went to kiss her neck, Naomi rested her arms on the blanket and gave in. That was it. It was too much. She was surrendering her body so the redhead could do anything she wanted with it. Still caressing her, Emily kissed the curve of her shoulder and between her breasts, making her way down, down, in a way that was almost painful, dragging her damp, red hair along Naomi's skin.

Emily pulled down her panties and paused to kiss the small mound of curls. Naomi's legs opened wider as if they had a life of their own, and the redhead's tongue started licking her in broad strokes, softly, teasingly. Naomi was wheezing and hadn't realized; she had to close her eyes for a second, but then opened them wide in surprise, gasping for air when she felt the redhead's mouth closing around her center.

She stretched her arms, searching for something, anything to hold on to, because she was sure that she was falling. Finally, she grabbed at Emily's hair and pulled on it. Her back arched when Emily increased her pace, and she let out a broken cry. The cry had emerged like an eruption from the depths of the earth, from Naomi's deepest, most secret core, and felt like being cracked open.

_Don't fucking stop_, she wanted to yell, but instead brought up her hands and groaned into them. Thankfully, the redhead didn't stop. Naomi felt it first like a current surging through her body and making her tremble from head to toe, and then, like an explosion.

There were tears in her eyes as she came, and Emily rushed up to kiss her. Her lips tasted cool and moist with her own wetness. Never in her life had she felt something close to what she had just felt, not even when she had dared to imagine herself with Emily.

When she opened her eyes, the girl was smiling softly. She nudged Naomi's nose gently with her own and kissed her again. _You're unbelievable_, Naomi wanted to say. Instead, she buried her fingers in Emily's hair and turned her over. Those big, brown eyes were looking at her intently, like they didn't want to miss a thing, and they didn't leave Naomi's eyes even when she reached down to peel off Emily's panties.

Naomi cupped the girl's face with one hand, kissed her, and thrust her hips against Emily's, using her other hand for leverage. The redhead moaned into her mouth and reached around her back to unclasp Naomi's bra, the only item of clothing she was wearing. Emily still had hers also, so Naomi pushed it up, bowed her head, and buried her face between the redhead's breasts.

Feeling the girl responding to her was more than incredible. She kissed Emily's breasts, licking around her nipples, leaving them untouched very deliberately. Emily groaned her protest, and tried moving around to make her kiss them. Naomi smiled against the girl's skin and paused to inhale deeply before slipping her hand between her own thigh and Emily's center. Only then did Naomi comply and close her lips around one of Emily's nipples.

Letting out a throaty moan, Emily tried to grind against Naomi's fingers and thigh. Following Emily's pace, Naomi moved her hips and her already-wet fingers, and took possession of the girl's mouth. She wanted to swallow every moan and whimper, because she, Naomi, was doing this to her, Emily, and she never wanted to forget what that felt like.

The redhead came, quivering under Naomi's touch, and slowly relaxed into a sleepy little mess. Naomi kissed her lips lightly and then forced herself to look away from all that cuteness to throw some more sticks into the fire. She was feeling drowsy as well.

"Em, we need to get dressed, or we'll catch a cold." She began collecting their scattered clothes.

Emily's answer was a groan of disgust. Naomi grinned and made the girl sit up.

"Okay, okay," Emily said grumpily, putting on her clothes like a sleepwalker.

When she was done, she half-tackled Naomi from behind and they collapsed on the blanket. The girl was hugging her tightly, and Naomi relaxed against her body, feeling the closest thing to abandon. She let Emily's slow, steady breathing lull her to sleep.

* * *

She had been dreaming about the kiss at the party; she knew it right away, even if she didn't remember it clearly, because the exact taste and sensation were there on her lips.

Naomi opened her eyes and turned her head to look at Emily. The veil lifted and the girl became more than a memory from a distant night, much more. This was here, now, and it was morning. And daylight was being fucking cruel to her, displaying the remains of the previous night like a spotlight: the discarded vodka bottle, the half-smoked spliff, the ashes of the extinct fire. Most importantly, there was Emily, still snuggling against her back, with one arm lazily thrown over Naomi's waist.

Lifting the girl's arm, she crawled out of the embrace, grabbed her handbag and walked carefully towards the bicycles they had abandoned what felt like a million years ago. She half-expected them to be covered in rust, but no, only a night had gone by.

She dropped Emily's bicycle softly on the ground and grabbed hers. Naomi felt gutted, slashed open like a fish, her entrails on display. The truth had been revealed and there was no place to hide, so all she could do was run. It wasn't okay, and it wouldn't be okay, and she wouldn't forgive herself for doing it, but she couldn't do anything else.

No longer had she walked a few steps when she heard a very familiar voice. She remembered when she had tried to escape from the boat party and Emily had followed her, asking her to stay. The redhead hadn't been brave enough to speak truthfully then, but now, everything was different.

"Twice! You're going to do this to me, twice?"

If she looked at Emily, then she would lose it.

"Naomi, no! You fucking… stop right now!"

"What?" She stopped. She wasn't stupid; she knew precisely "what". _But I can't_, she wanted to say, _I can't_.

Last night, Naomi had requested salvation ("Say something"), and Emily had lied for her one last time. She wasn't going to do that anymore; no more lying to rescue her because the spell had been broken, in a way. The truth had come out that night; Emily had seen it in her face and in her eyes, and felt it in every single move, touch, and kiss.

What the redhead probably didn't expect was this.

"Don't you dare leave me in your bed again!"

By then, Emily had already mounted the slope that lead to the road.

"I've _got_ to go."

There were tears forming in Naomi's eyes, and she swallowed them and felt them transform into a hard ball at the back of her throat. She wasn't even pretending that she had other things to do or making up some other excuse. There was no point in lying anymore.

One thing was to run away from a bunch of lies, but this was very different, because Naomi was running away from the truth. Here it was. There was no denying it. And all Emily was asking of her was to acknowledge it, but she couldn't.

That night had proved that they could very well have what both of them were wishing for. Nothing could scare Naomi more than that.

However, the redhead wasn't giving up. "I know you, Naomi. I know you're lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well… I do want you! So be brave… and want me back!"

Naomi could hear the tears in the girl's cracked voice and it crushed her heart. Still, she kept walking. Emily had stopped following her because there really wasn't much more she could say, now that the truth was out and real. Little Emily, who seemed to know everything, even when she did not, because she probably knew enough.

_I've wanted you since forever. But I can't have you. I can't._ Because Naomi had seen the previews: every time she had been with the redhead and let go, when she had been more herself than with anybody else… the way she was around Emily and all of the uncontrollable needs and urges she kept feeling… What would happen if she actually _had _Emily, somebody who kept believing in her, convinced that she could indeed do anything? What would happen if she let Emily completely inside and then the redhead really saw her, unadorned and bare to the bone? If Naomi released the tension of that fist she kept inside, there would be nothing to hold on to, and if Emily then realized that she wasn't enough… She wouldn't survive. To have Emily and then lose her would be far worse than never having her.

Emily was telling her that it was okay, that it was all done, that she could stop fighting because it was enough. But it wasn't - not okay and not enough because _she _wasn't either of those things. Nobody in the world knew how badly she wanted to stop, turn around, embrace Emily, and be healed, but she couldn't.

* * *

Staggering into the shower, Naomi let the hot water fall all over her. It was the closest she could get to disappearing, to being nobody. She had taken off her clothes, which smelled of smoke and forest, and eagerly immersed herself in that cocoon. However, she couldn't stop shuddering, or remembering.

Naomi dressed slowly, feeling inconsistent, divided, like the triple reflection in her bedroom mirror. The girl in the mirror looked a million years old. It was as if she could sense Emily all over her, no matter how much she composed her external self. Her armor of perfect hair, buttoned-up shirt, and blue necklace was in place, ready. It had worked for years, but why did it feel like bollocks now?

Because it _was_ bollocks, and she couldn't hide behind it anymore, not after revealing herself as if her skin had been transparent. It was no use now.

She needed the only person she could now talk to, although she wasn't quite sure of what she would say. She needed a mother.

"Mum," she called out, standing outside the door of the woman's bedroom.

The unswallowable ball that had settled in the back of her throat made her voice sound weak, like she was permanently in tears.

"Mum, I know it's early but…"

Naomi froze. As she opened the door and stepped into the bedroom, she saw first her mother's smiling face, and then a big shape in bed next to her. When the person poked his head from under the duvet and Naomi recognized him as Kieran, she was horrified beyond belief.

"Naomi!" Apparently, he didn't know what to say. How obvious.

"This is _my_ fucking house!" The tears were there, ready to flow out.

Apparently, nobody respected anything anymore, not even Kieran, who knew perfectly well how she felt about her situation at home. There were no safe places, no safe people either. She stormed out of the room and then out of the house, with a naked Kieran following her, telling her to stop. _Fucking clown._

"I came looking for you, to apologize. She was here. We got talking, she's a nice… Naomi, please, I'm a fucking disaster, okay? I j-… I'm lonely!"

"Fuck off!"

Yet again, she was pedaling as fast as she could to get away from her house. Would it never stop?

* * *

Her thumb scrolled down the contact list in her mobile, stopping when it got to Emily's name. She was sitting on one of the desks of an empty classroom, legs dangling and swinging while she mused. Of course she wanted to turn to Emily, she was her deepest truth and instinct, but would she want to talk to Naomi after what she had done? And what would she say?

She bit her lower lip while staring at the little screen, trying to decide if her thumb should press the key or not. However, her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of voices down the corridor. Teachers? She wasn't supposed to be there so early.

Naomi jumped down from the desk, twirled around without knowing where to go, and finally resolved her hesitation just in time by scooting under the teacher's desk. Doug and Harriet entered the classroom each carrying a box. They were going to count the votes.

"There's one thing I want to make clear to you," Harriet said, menacingly. "That boy will not win."

"Cook?" Doug asked, his voice much more cheery. "He might win. He seems very popular."

"No, Doug. He will _not_ win."

_Jesus Christ_. Under the table, Naomi's eyes widened. It was more than clear; nobody respected anything at all, not even that absurd election. Harriet was going to hide Cook's votes in a very special place: inside her bra.

* * *

The common room was full. Cook, Crispin, and Naomi were standing in front of everybody, and they were all waiting for the announcement, although she already knew the result.

"And the winner is…" said Harriet, opening an envelope. "Naomi!"

There were confused mutters all around, and Doug was the only person who clapped. When Harriet asked her to say a few words, she stepped forward. Every single fucking thing had escaped from her control except this. It was in her power to at least make that shitty election fair.

As the room hushed down, she bit her lower lip, sighed, and made up her mind.

"You should have more confidence," she told Harriet, with fake concern.

"What?"

"I mean, your tits are fine!"

Everybody giggled, although they evidently didn't understand what was going on… yet.

"What?"

"Probably a bit flat," Naomi went on, "but no need to stuff your bra."

She approached the woman, stuck a hand inside her cleavage, and pulled out a bunch of the hidden ballots. There were laughs and surprised cries among the audience, and Naomi calmly extracted the rest of the pieces of paper.

"Now, I'm not sure, but were these votes counted?" She raised her eyebrows at Harriet and started rummaging through the ballots. "Cook, Cook, Cook, Cook…"

"Naomi," said Harriet, with that menacing voice of hers. "Stop the silliness. Celebrate. You've won."

"No. Cook won." She could be menacing too. "He's our president."

They all cheered, and she grinned and winked at Cook because she had to admit that had been fun. As a way of proclaiming his victory, Cook declared the riot open, and the audience in the common room seemed to explode. Naomi pressed the fire alarm before sneaking away, just as Cook lifted a fire extinguisher over his head and proceeded to spray everybody.

Chaos everywhere, yes, she was comfortable with that right now because it mirrored her inner turmoil. Then, through the snow-like particles, Naomi spotted Emily, who had her arms crossed and was staring straight at her. The girl looked like a vision, but in her face Naomi could only read pain. _I did that_. Not knowing how to deal with it, she ran away, yet again.

Everybody had gone insane. There was a hooligan-like crowd running through the college and trashing everything it saw, like locusts. Naomi stood still for a moment, contemplating the destruction.

"So…" said a voice behind her, which she immediately recognized as Kieran's. "Where does this go next? Burning all the gym equipment or shitting in the college director's desk? I tell you, I'd be up for either."

Naomi grinned and looked down. He was trying to be her partner in crime again.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Yes, it had all been quite embarrassing. "You're supposed to be flattered by my attention. But ultimately, honorably, unobtainable."

"Yeah… A bit too flattered maybe. A bit too… obtainable. A bit of a twat."

"Yeah, maybe." Naomi smiled. "Do you like her?"

"Yeah! She's… She's right."

_She's right…_ The words echoed in her mind. What could be better than that? "So go tell her, will you?"

"Yeah. Sure. Thanks!"

She smiled and turned to leave. That was some good advice right there, and she had already given it to two completely different people, Freddie and Kieran: to go to Effy, go to her mother, and tell them. _How nice_, she thought, sarcastically. _Now what about you?_

Walking down the corridor, Naomi saw movement inside Kieran's classroom. It was Cook, crouching down next to the teacher's desk and doing some mischief, of course. She entered the classroom and closed the door behind her, and Cook just glanced at her and smiled smugly before resuming his activity.

"I'm looking for three pornos, two ninja stars, and a butt plug that Kieran fucker confiscated."

"Think you'll be expelled for this?"

"No. They'll have to explain why, wouldn't they?" He was smiling like a naughty little boy. "I reckon, when this is over, they'll try and pretend it never happened."

"You're probably right."

"I only really entered to piss you off, obviously."

"Obviously."

Sighing, Naomi sat on one of the desks. "You ever wish things were just simple?"

"Things are simple. I won. Now we get to willy waggle, yeah?"

"I never said that…" she laughed and shook her head.

"Are you sure? Are you actually sure you never said, 'cause-"

"Hang on," she interrupted him.

"I think we should willy waggle."

It was tempting, trying to believe that it was all very simple, with no implications and no consequences. She wondered if that was something she could actually manage to do. Jumping down from the table, Naomi went to Cook, cupped his face, and kissed him.

"They all come to the Cookie Monster in the end."

He kissed her, firmly holding the back of her head, and started walking with her, pushing her against a desk and shoving it against the wall. A pile of books cascaded to the floor, everything seemed to be falling down, but Cook couldn't care less, and was too busy unbuttoning her shirt. He lay on top of her, still kissing her, and then they rolled off the desk and onto the floor, which she acknowledged by yelping into Cook's mouth.

Cook was easy. Cook was there. Wasn't that what Effy was doing? "Too pussy to take a chance", Cook had said, unknowingly voicing a fundamental truth about Naomi, but it had nothing to do with fucking the boy and everything to do with a certain redhead.

When they rose to their feet, Naomi tried to call the boy's name in between kisses. He stopped and looked at her.

"This isn't right," she said.

"What?" The boy stepped back.

"Sorry, it just isn't a goer."

"Fair enough," Cook said, and immediately started buttoning up his shirt.

"Is that it?" No snarly remarks about her frigidness? "You're not even going to try and convince me? Most guys would."

"Most guys aren't me, babe. You fancy me, I'm cool with it. So there's obviously another reason why you won't fuck me, and it's probably a good one 'cause… you're, you know…. clever," he said, with the tiniest of smiles.

The fact that he hadn't insisted and that he had justified that she didn't want to fuck him because she was clever completely disarmed Naomi and made her look at Cook in a different way. She considered the way he was always overdoing everything in a way that screamed "I am Cook, this is me", but it was really more like "if I'm doing this, then this must be me, and everything you think about me is true". Naomi understood that; she did it differently, but it was basically the same concealment technique. Whatever had happened to Cook, she didn't know, but she had been shot, once, and it had been enough.

She went up to him and kissed him on the cheek. "You're a lot nicer than most people think, aren't you, Cook?"

"Fuck you!" he said, smiling widely.

"Fuck you right back."

With that, she left.

Exiting the school building, Naomi encountered the most absolute chaos -they were even burning cars-, but she barely looked at what was going on. It had nothing to do with her and she didn't want it. She went home.

* * *

She was sitting at the living room table, chin in hand. Attempting to simplify things wasn't the answer, because they couldn't be made simple. "She's right", Kieran had said about her mother, and Naomi understood. And fucking Cook… no, that didn't feel right. She was doomed to feel right with one person only, and nothing could wash that away.

Her mother appeared in the doorway, wearing a serious expression for the first time in ages. "You noticed how quiet it is?"

Yes, she hadn't seen any of the invaders yet. "You kicked them out?"

"Probably take a few days to clean the place, right?" The woman smiled and sat next to her. "What did you want to talk to me about this morning?"

"Is anyone here?"

"Oh, just some man who seemed to think you wanted him back in my bed. He's very entertaining, for an Irishman."

"It is peaceful," Naomi said. It was wonderful to be able to hear her own thoughts in her house and not feel the instant need to get lost in the middle of nowhere.

"Yeah." There was a pause. "Did I ever tell you how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant with you?"

_Great_. "Is this going to cheer me up? 'Cause I need cheering up, okay?"

"Getting there. I'd met the man of my dreams. I wanted to travel the world, fuck on every beach in India, be in love, and then I found out I was pregnant."

"I can only apologize." Naomi looked away.

"And, you know, your dad turned out to be a shitty little prick, and it was all a little bit rubbish… Until you made my life complete. And actually, rather fucking wonderful."

Naomi looked at her mother and smiled incredulously. "I did that?"

To be enough, when she thought she wasn't, to be able to make someone's life complete just by being Naomi, to have that inside her…

"I wasn't expecting it. People who make us happy are never the people you expect. So when you find someone, you've got to cherish it."

After looking at her meaningfully, her mother stood up and kissed her on the temple. "Right then, I've got an Irishman waiting for me who says all he needs for happiness is regular sex and potatoes."

That had been bizarre, how her mother seemed to know... Did her mother have a clue about what was going on with Emily, whom she had met? She had thought nobody in the world knew, that nobody would know.

* * *

_So go tell her. _The whole blasted world was full of lonely people, so when one found someone… one had to hope that special someone would still want to look her in the face and talk to her.

Slowly, Naomi walked to the front door of Emily's house and rang the doorbell. After a moment, she heard steps approaching the door from inside, and then some sniffing sounds. Naomi realized that it was Emily, and that the door's translucent glass allowed the redhead to see her, but it didn't work the other way around because inside, the house was dark.

"I'm not gonna open the door. My face is all puffy. I've been… crying a bit."

There weren't going to be any more lies coming from Emily's side.

"I don't care," Naomi said, feeling her own tears starting to emerge.

However, the redhead wasn't opening the door. She couldn't join Emily where she was, but she was equally incapable of leaving her. Realizing that she was floating in a fucking limbo, Naomi sat on her side of the door and leaned her head on it.

"I do want someone, need someone. You're right." She started crying. This was the truth that Emily already knew. Although she was always trying to pretend that she didn't need anybody, it wasn't true.

Emily sighed. "And?"

"And… When I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person. I feel happier. Less… alone. Less lonely."

There was a pause, and then she saw Emily's hand appear through the cat flap and feel around, looking for her hand. Naomi grasped Emily's hand like it was saving her from falling off a cliff.

"But is not as simple as that, is it?" she went on. "Being with someone."

"Isn't it?"

No. It was fucking scary and you could get fucking lost, but she couldn't say that.

"No. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't think so." She let out a big sigh and sobbed in frustration. "I mean… Can't we just sit like this, for a bit?"

Both of Naomi's hands were grasping Emily's for dear life.

"Yeah. We can… For a bit." Emily said.

For now, Emily could wait, allowing them a little window of time to just be.


	7. Monumentally fucked

She felt like her body and soul had been taken away and all that remained was a brain, a consciousness, left to witness what had become of her.

Her body had already shown signs of independence when being around Emily, but now that it had been so thoroughly touched and meticulously _loved_ by the girl, she had lost all sense of possession over it. And her soul… her soul was gone. She had left it in a forest, by a lake, and a sleepwalking carcass had made the walk home.

Naomi found affectation unbearable in others, but she found it particularly unforgivable in herself. _You're moping. Stop it._

There was still a party to go to - at least she could count on that, thanks to Thomas. Pausing in front of her bedroom mirror, she checked herself, like she always did, reviewing her front and threatening herself about all the things she needed to be and had to bury to get through the night. Nodding to assure that the front would prevail, she added another necklace and left.

* * *

There was a long queue to the door of the club. Naomi glanced at the last girls in line, who glanced back in a vapid, silent exchange. Where was everyone? Standing on her toes, Naomi was glad to glimpse a familiar figure leaning against the wall of the building. She squeezed herself between the two girls, smiling in mock politeness.

"Excuse me."

Walking sideways, she slid past the others who were waiting in line. Someone called her a stupid bitch, but she ignored that and everyone else's protests, sticking out her elbows to shove her way up to Effy.

"Hey." Effy had turned to look at her.

"You okay?"

The brunette pressed her lips together and shrugged, like she didn't even know what the meaning of "okay" was.

"No Cook?" she asked, seeing that the girl was on her own.

"Why would there be a Cook?" Effy's expression hardened.

"You're seeing him, aren't you?"

"I'm fucking him occasionally. I'm not… 'seeing' him."

"There's a distinction?"

"Yeah," Effy said, and Naomi nodded, looking away for a moment.

Because if there wasn't -Naomi mused-, what was she doing with Emily, exactly? What had they sort of agreed on that night when they held hands through the cat flap? "But it's not as simple as that, is it? Being with someone," she had asked. "Isn't it?" Emily had asked back. Emily was already there, but she wasn't ready to cross that bridge. If there was a difference between seeing someone and fucking them occasionally, then it could be that Effy wasn't seeing Cook and she wasn't seeing Emily. There was a sense of safeness in that.

"No Emily?" Effy counterattacked, raising her eyebrows.

Naomi closed her eyes for a moment and opened her mouth, trying to utter… something, anything, some equivalent of Effy's "Why would there be a Cook?", but the brunette didn't even give her a chance.

"Truth."

With those blue laser eyes of hers, Effy had seen, like she seemed to see through everything.

"It's that obvious?" she looked away, tiredly.

Because she had worked so hard, kept working every day of her life to keep those feelings inside that tight fist, separate, like a shameful incident one doesn't want to evoke.

"Don't have to be a genius to work it out."

No, one didn't have to be a genius. It only took Emily's presence -and maybe not even that- to break the dam of contention. Feelings seeping out, intoxicating everything, heavy, unbearable. Visible. What was the fucking use? She grinned at Effy, but the girl still expected an answer.

"So?"

Naomi shook her head, feeling desperate. "So I'm straight!"

"Sure?"

_Fuck it. You can say it as loud as you want to. It's still bollocks_. She bowed her head. This was the first time she had talked about it with anybody, and Effy was asking her those short, incisive questions without even pausing, like she was so bloody transparent, like there was no secret.

"If I said 'no'… would I regret it?"

"Probably. But, not because of me."

The brunette smiled, and she could only smile back, because they understood each other. They were kindred spirits sitting on the same side of a bridge. "Too pussy to take a chance", like Cook had said. Too scared of losing herself. The straight or gay factor was not even the issue. If she said "No, I'm not straight", she'd be acknowledging that she had feelings for Emily. "And that would be the end of you", Effy's eyes seem to say.

"We're objects of lust," she said, mockingly.

They had the same habit of protecting themselves from the things that weren't remotely funny by cloaking them in sarcasm and irony. Things appeared to hurt less that way because they were turning the hurt into something else - the same mechanism that translated "love" into "lust".

"Making you feel good?"

"Not really." _Actually, it fucking sucks._

"So, I suggest we go in there and get so monumentally fucked up we forget all about…"

Her voice trailed off as her eyes moved away from Naomi's. What? Naomi turned and spotted Freddie at the end of the queue, who was also looking at Effy. Then, they both looked away. _Cook my arse. It was happening with Freddie._

"No…" Naomi said, and the girl looked at her with the eyes of a captured animal. "Oh my God!"

"No," Effy began, half-warning her, but she had nothing to warn her with. She seemed terrified. She was slipping and couldn't control herself, which was fatal, because such control was essential; the stability of her whole world depended on it. Naomi understood that perfectly well.

Here was Effy, the all-seeing, wise, sardonic one who had been taunting her about Emily, unable to control herself, unable to not look at Freddie across a distance and a crowd of people. Like a moth to a fucking flame. It was irresistible.

"That's fucked up," Naomi went on.

"No," Effy repeated, shaking her head.

"You love him?"

"No."

_Lust my arse_. "Oh, yes! You love The Lips! Oh my God! Go on, lie to me. I wanna see this!"

But the brunette had bowed her head. Like Naomi the girl was also trying to deny herself what she wanted, but it was impossible to swallow that desire completely. It was showing, and now, not even the powerful Effy could pretend.

However, they were interrupted by Thomas, who called out to them from the entrance. He seemed exhilarated to have them all gathered together, because Katie and Freddie had approached them as well.

"Hey," Katie said, standing next to Naomi.

_That's it? _She turned to the girl, sizing her up. "Aren't you gonna be bitchy to me, Katie?"

"Yeah, sure… Give me time."

What was wrong with her? That was no comeback! Naomi frowned, because Katie, who was usually a motor mouth, had spoken softly, almost gently.

Last but not least, Cook and JJ arrived. Cook leaped into the air, raising his fist, as if they had all been waiting for him, when it looked like quite the contrary, judging by Freddie's expression. Naomi guessed that Cook was well aware of that, and this was just his way of dealing with it: "You don't like me? You don't want me here? Well here I am, in your face, a ten times more intense version".

Thomas was just thrilled, happily ignorant of the various undercurrents running the surface of his friends. "Wait until you see this place, you will not believe it. And the band are formidable, formidable! Everyone is together, Panda is coming, and Emily is already here."

Naomi looked up at the boy for a moment, unable to control herself. Just the mention of Emily's name… but she needed to keep it together.

"Where?" Katie asked, evidently surprised and now demanding to know.

She glanced at Katie, who glanced at her as well, but Naomi wasn't going to say a thing. What was going on? Katie was looking at her almost like she was scared of her. Why?

* * *

They poured into the club, which was already quite full. She followed Effy towards the bar, praying for some sweet evasion in the form of abundant alcohol. However, the knowledge that the redhead was there, somewhere, was haunting her.

Unwillingly, Naomi directed her eyes towards the stage. Thomas had said that Emily was checking out the band. Sure enough, she made out Emily's little silhouette jumping around, bottle in hand, but something was off. This was not just "I'm drunk and I'm having fun", was it? Katie, who had entered the club after her, was also looking at her sister, and in a concerned way. So she wasn't just seeing things.

Katie glanced at her again, and then back at her sister. It was like she knew. She was challenging Naomi without words. But Naomi looked away and faced the bar; she wasn't going to intervene. Taking the drink that Effy was offering her, she moved away from the scene while Katie marched into the crowd.

* * *

It hadn't been difficult to put the pieces together. They had noticed the commotion, although the brawl had only been a tiny ripple among the mass of people dancing, jumping, and making out. There were also some boys talking about the fight and, all in all, the incident seemed to have Cook's name stamped on it.

She followed Effy through a passage that lead to a corridor at the back of the club, where one could still feel the music thumping but it was possible to hear oneself think.

"What's going on? Someone said he…" Effy's speech was once more cut short due to Freddie's presence.

They were staring at each other like they were paralyzed. _Jesus Christ, someone come and break the spell_. However, it wasn't necessary. Freddie himself did it.

"It's yours, I think," he said, jerking his head towards the boy on the floor.

With that, he slid past them and left, and still, Effy didn't react. Naomi could only sign and roll her eyes to the ceiling. _This is a blasted soap opera._ With Freddie gone, Cook half-strewn across the floor, Panda and Thomas nowhere in sight, Katie probably lecturing Emily somewhere, and Effy in a near-catatonic state, the night was most definitely over.

"Do you want us to take you home, Cook?" she asked.

"I'll manage, Naomikins," the boy muttered, and then grunted pushed as he himself up, dragging his back against the wall.

"I know you will."

As she watched Cook limp off, Effy speed in the opposite direction, and JJ stutter his goodbye, Naomi raised her eyebrows and leaned on the wall. _Okay…_ Monumentally fucked up was perhaps out of the question. But fucked up in another way… definitely, yes.


	8. Gobblers End

She dropped her sleeping bag on the ground and leaned on the sign that said "DIBSTALL ROAD" just before the Fitch home. Emily had phoned to tell her that Effy was picking them up at her house, and she had sounded fine, cheery as ever. During the past days, she had peered at Emily whenever she wasn't looking, but nothing in the redhead's behavior, face, or voice had indicated that there was something the matter with her. What had she seen then, at the club? Just dancing and drinking and harmless partying?

"We're going camping," Emily had said over the phone. "Katie's gonna throw a party in the woods."

"The woods?" Naomi had asked, realizing that she had been smiling like an idiot.

_Kind of like you're doing now_, she mused, scraping her feet against the little stones in the pavement. She couldn't help it, though. The mere act of waiting for Emily to appear, mixed with the usual excitement previous to a trip, was making her giddy.

The front door opened and Katie emerged, all leopard-patterned jacket and engorged ego, which was almost like a visible aura since she'd started going out with Freddie. Emily came out after her, smiling at Naomi as soon as she spotted her.

"There's Naomi!" she said, brightly, pointing at her.

"I know, I can see her!" Katie retorted, like her sister was the most annoying thing in the world.

Naomi was glad to see that Emily wasn't relenting to Katie's harshness - she had seen her shrink and freeze like a scared little girl plenty of times before. But now, Emily half-skipped to where Naomi was standing and dumped her stuff around her sleeping bag.

"Hi."

"Hi," Naomi echoed, feeling the idiot-smile creeping back. "You ready?"

"Yeah."

Katie approached them grumpily. "Where the fuck's Effy? We should get going!"

"All right, Katie, don't lose your ovaries. It's still early," she said, without detaching her eyes from Emily, who giggled at her remark.

Nothing was going to spoil this for her - certainly not Katie. From the moment Emily had told her about the party and its location, she had felt the fresh smell of the forest mixed with Emily's damp hair, and Emily's taste had appeared on her tongue. She folded her hands in front of her and pressed them tightly together, recalling the girl's hand between them. Those living, breathing memories were surfacing uncontrollably, making her feel light-headed.

But she couldn't care less at the moment. For her own safety, she almost wished she did care, because experience told her that nothing good could come out of being that transparent, but Emily's presence was too strong, and she really didn't feel like fighting. She was happily overwhelmed.

Some minutes later, a long, grey car pulled over before them, containing Effy and Pandora. They exchanged greetings and put some of their things on the back. Well, she and Emily did, while Katie claimed her right to sit on the passenger seat because she had the map. _Jesus_, Naomi thought, _she's full of herself._ Thankfully, Pandora didn't mind getting in the back seat with her and Emily.

Effy was particularly silent, and Naomi could only wonder how she was really feeling. She thought she could understand the swallowed-up longing, telling yourself that you had to "act normal".

The brunette drove them to Freddie's, who was waiting for them on the curb with JJ, sitting on their stuff. Katie popped her head out the window to kiss her trophy boyfriend and exchange sweet nothings in a very theatrical way. It really didn't appear very natural, but Freddie seemed to be okay with it and sat behind Katie and next to Pandora.

Then, when they were about to ride off, JJ commanded Effy to stop. There was a figure running towards them, carrying a rucksack. It was Thomas.

"I thought you said he wasn't coming," Effy said, glancing at Pandora.

"I thought he wasn't!"

The boy opened the trunk and got in the back with JJ. "Hello, guys."

"Tommo, you should've told me you were finally coming! We almost left without you!" Pandora cried.

And with that, they were off. They left the main road and entered a very familiar road crossing through the countryside. She glanced at Emily, who glanced back, clearly knowing what she was thinking. It was the road they had taken towards Emily's lake, one of the girl's favorite places, which now irremediably belonged to Naomi as well. Still, she managed to push away the heartache she had caused and remember it on a positive note, which Emily seemed to be doing too.

She was possessed by that carefree and resilient happy feeling which was almost unknown to her. Meanwhile, Emily was being silly and funny and cute all at the same time, making up the lyrics of the songs that were coming up on the radio and shaking her rolled-up tent like a pair of pompons.

"Ems, you're hitting me in the face with that thing!"

The redhead said that she was sorry, and then promptly smacked her again. _Is this the camping equivalent of a pillow fight?_ Naomi growled in mock fury and lunged at a squealing Emily. They wrestled for a while, unable to stop giggling, but then, Katie's voice, interrupted them.

"Would you _please_ stop being children and act your age? Is it too much to ask?"

"Jesus, Katie, who died and made you queen?" She was getting tired of the girl's I'm-more-mature-than-you attitude.

"I can't read the fucking map if you don't shut up, okay?"

That was when she realized that they were probably lost and Katie was irked because her precious map was proving to be useless. Everyone was doing the usual thing in those cases, which was to bark out useless comments such as "We're going in circles", and Katie and Effy were bickering: "We've been here", "No, we haven't", "Yes, we have".

Luckily, they spotted a gas station. Maybe someone could give them directions. Katie got out of the car and stuffed the map into a bin in frustration. Freddie went out after her and it looked like they were quibbling.

A black jeep pulled over next to them. Several men who looked like hunters got out, presumably to help them. However, the next thing she knew, one of them went to the back of the jeep and pulled out a rifle.

"What the fuck's going on there?"

"I don't know," Emily said. "What are they doing?"

"JJ?" she asked.

"I… I think that thing's loaded," the boy stammered.

"What?" Her mouth and eyes were wide open. This wasn't real. This was like a movie - a cheesy horror flick.

The man with the rifle took aim at one of the signs. However, he was startled by Katie running out of the gas station, yelling. _What the fuck?_ Freddie helped the girl into the car and Effy scrambled into the front seat.

"Okay, let's get out of here," said the brunette, with icy calm.

As soon as the car started, they all started talking at once, frantically, about the size of the gun and the man's gruesome tattoo.

"Katie, what happened?" she asked.

"I don't know! He just started shouting at me! I didn't even do anything!"

Then, Pandora started breathing loudly and agitatedly, like she was starting to have a panic attack.

"Um, Eff?" JJ called out from the back.

"What?"

"It's them! It's them!" Thomas cried. "Freds, Freds!"

_What?_ They all turned and spotted the black jeep following them down the road and gaining speed. The car was no match for it. They were blowing their horn and seemed determined to charge into them.

Naomi became aware that she was screaming because of the strain in her throat. Her hands fumbled with the seatbelt, with the sleeping bags, and finally found Emily's. She squeezed them hard as the black jeep reached them and placed itself at their right. The man was aiming the rifle at them and it looked like they were trying to make them stop the car.

The jeep overtook them easily and stopped, forcing Effy to step on the brakes. They sat still, stunned into silence, eyes fixed on the black car before them. The arm of the scary man flicked a cigarette butt into the road. Naomi imagined that those men would now get out of the jeep and assault them in some way, and part of her just couldn't believe it.

Instead, the jeep reversed, swerved sharply behind them and sped off. Had it been just a scare? Unbelievable. There were sighs and words of relief all around, and she released Emily's hands.

"I think we should go home," said Pandora.

"Well, they're gone now, we're safe. As long as we 'beware the moon', obviously," Freddie retorted mockingly.

That did it. Starting with Effy, one by one they all began laughing to relieve all the fear and the accumulated tension.

"Why are you laughing?" Katie asked indignantly, turning around and looking at them like they had lost their minds. "It's not fucking funny!"

Freddie had to calm his girlfriend with a kiss before they could move on.

Finally, Effy stopped just before the sign that read "GOBBLERS END" and they all poured out of the car. It was a relief just to be able to stretch her legs and walk around. The forest seemed beautifully alive. More than anything, it made her feel small, and she welcomed that sensation, since her troubles shrunk with her. In the scheme of things, she wasn't important, nothing was important.

Katie went first, urging them on like they were all late for some appointment, but her humor was back, apparently, and it got better when Freddie caught up with her and acted as their guide.

"Ever gone camping before, Ems?"

"Yeah, we used to, we used to go. My dad, he loves the nature thing. Me and Katie, we used to, like, imitate the birds and expect them to come flying into our arms. He still makes us go sometimes, but mostly, he goes with my brother. Says it builds character, but I think he has enough of that."

Naomi giggled. She loved the redhead's rushed bouts of excited monologues.

They arrived to a clearing in the forest and Freddie dropped his backpack at the foot of a tree, indicating that this was the place. Naomi looked around, half-following Emily, half-being followed by the girl, while Freddie started howling like a wolf and running after JJ.

"Let's set up camp, yeah?" said Freddie, after a while.

Tents were pulled up, portable fridges were opened, and a fire was lit. Katie, the self-appointed cook, started frying sausages. Naomi entered one of the tents and unrolled the mat on the floor.

"So, this is us," she said, turning to look at Emily, who had popped her head inside. "Is it all right?"

"Need any help?"

"Actually…" she grinned, crouching to get out of the tent. "I thought you could, you know, teach me some of that bird-calling of yours. I want a bird to land on my finger."

Emily laughed. "You know that only happens, like, in Cinderella and shit, right?"

"Mary Poppins. Go on, show me. And then we can sing a song about it."

The redhead placed her hand before her lips, moved her head back a little, and made a trumpet-like sound. Jesus, what was that? It was hysterical. Already giggling, Naomi tried to do the same, moving her fingers like she was actually playing a trumpet.

"That was horrible, horrible! We're gonna scare all the animals away!"

"Yeah, and the forest service will hunt us down. Or, we could scare away all the people instead," Emily said, brightly.

"Give me time and I'll hone my skills," Naomi said, in mock-seriousness. "In the meantime, better stick to the drinking. Want a beer?"

"Yeah. Spliff?"

"Sure."

They took their sleeping bags into the tent and unrolled them. Then, Emily took out the little box that Naomi remembered from the night at the lake, and extracted an already-rolled up spliff. When they got out of the tent, she saw that Katie was standing before Effy and Pandora and, although she couldn't make out what they were saying, the red-haired girl's angry tone was audible.

"What's going on over there?"

"Dunno."

They followed Freddie, who was practically prancing towards the three girls.

"Did I hear mushrooms?" Emily asked.

"Emily, don't you fucking dare!" cried Katie.

_Jesus Christ Stepford, Katie, don't you ever rest?_

"Don't listen to her, Ems." She sat between Freddie and Pandora and smiled approvingly at the display. "Nice."

Effy had laid out her leather jacket on the ground, where she had collected the little mushrooms. She tried to lure Pandora into eating some, but the blonde looked at Thomas and replied that love was their drug. There was a chorus of nausea-like barfing sounds, but Pandora ended up trying the mushrooms anyway, urged by her own boyfriend. She described their taste as "minging", which was a pretty good description.

"This better be worth it!" Naomi cried, popping another mushroom into her mouth.

"Sure it will," said Freddie.

"How long till it kicks in, Eff?" Pandora asked.

"Not long."

* * *

As the night descended upon them, they lit the sparklers JJ had brought, and it seemed like they were throwing a welcoming party for the trip. Naomi felt surrounded by a shower of golden particles of light which were falling slowly, and so she could distinguish each one of them perfectly. And every single thing hit by those shiny specs, became fluorescent for a moment. Everything was covered by those beautiful, harmless explosions.

She joined Emily by the fire, and the twisting flames made the trees and people in the background wavy. Everything was dancing along with them, she concluded, and it was a lovely realization, and she thought she had to share it with Emily. And the redhead nodded vigorously, sending crimson flashes in every direction.

_Wow_. With her eyes wide open, Naomi started following Emily, shaking her sparkler as the red beams caught fire and exploded. But the redhead had stopped before Pandora and Effy, Freddie and Katie, who were lying down among the dry leaves. She realized that Emily had been saying something, more towards the people on the ground than to her. It sounded layered, like a distant echo, like it came from the trees above.

"…'Cos that's what it's all about, isn't it? Forget all that other shit, 'cos it's not about that, it's about… everything else. Like, when you open your eyes at night and you see that face. You can't breathe because you're that happy."

The girl kept smoking and babbling, and it was hard to concentrate, since the movements of her lips didn't encompass the words that Naomi was hearing, and also because just the sound of Emily's voice was too beautiful and distracting to make it to the content.

Five minutes passed, or maybe an hour, but it was all the same. Time was behaving in a fluid way, instead of dividing itself into amnesia-split chunks, like it did when one only drank alcohol.

Gradually, they started to come down. Colors and shapes and faces gained definition, and the forest wasn't palpitating like a heart. Music was music, night was night. She sat with Emily and JJ, who were close to the fire, and took the spliff that the redhead offered her.

Effy spoke from the other side of the campsite.

"What?" asked Emily.

"Who moved the stuff? The bags are gone."

There was a pause, in which nobody said a thing. Naomi wondered if the girl was still tripping.

"What are you talking about?" Katie finally asked. "For God's sake! This is not funny, guys."

"Chill out, somebody probably-"

However, her potentially far-fetched explanation was interrupted by the sound of gunshot, and not too far away. They turned around, facing the sound. Suddenly, there was another gunshot.

"Turn the music off," said Freddie.

Thomas ran to do that and then, a third shot was fired, followed by several others. They seemed to come from all directions. She stood up and looked around, dumbly. _What the fuck? What is this?_

"Turn the lights off, now! Everything off, quick!"

Freddie started yelling out commands, and everyone started running around frantically, which was probably making more noise than anything else. It was terrifying and confusing, but she forced herself to concentrate and turn off the lantern closest to her.

"Get down, get down," Thomas hissed.

They all dropped to the ground and were silent, which only enhanced Naomi's ability to hear her own agitated breaths and the sound of crackling leaves and shuffling branches. Something was clearly coming towards them. Then, a white, blinding light appeared, first fixed like an artificial moon, then flashing between the trees. Whatever it was, it was emitting a series of bloodcurdling screams.

Wailing, Effy ran furiously towards the invisible figure which was holding the light and attacked it. They bumped against each other and then both fell flat on the ground.

"What the fuck?" Freddie cried, running towards the dark figure. "What the fuck do you think you're playing at? You fucking idiot, you nearly-! Jesus! You fucking prick!"

_What?_ Who was that? She marched towards the prostrate figure who seemed to have no body, just a little, white face. "_Cook_? Jesus Christ!"

"I should fucking kill you," said Freddie, his voice trembling.

"You scared the _shit_ out of us, stupid prick!" she cried, feeling the blood running through her veins again.

"It wasn't me!" Cook protested from the ground. "There were psychos in the woods with a gun! I saw them nick your stuff so they started shooting. They're fucking mental!"

"Shut up," said Katie. "Joke's over."

"Bloody scared us, you stupid fucking tosser!" cried Emily, standing at Naomi's side.

"All right, calm down," the boy began to laugh. "I took your sodding knapsacks, children. They're just poachers, you daft wankers."

"Poachers?" Emily echoed.

"After rabbits and shit, not you. I was just trying to freak you out.

"Why?" Freddie asked.

"'Cos I thought it'd be funny, and it totally was. Ooh, turn off the lights! Ooh, we're gonna die!" Cook threw back his head and started cackling.

He tried to get up, but Katie moved forward and stepped on his chest to keep him down. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You know me, I smell a shindig, I'm there."

"Yeah, well you weren't invited, so you can just fuck off!"

"Aw, but we were having such a nice time!" Cook complained, jokingly. "Your tits look fucking mint from this angle, by the way, Katiekins."

That did it for Freddie. He grabbed Cook by the lapels of his jacket and hurled him to his feet. "What is your fucking problem?"

"Come on then, Rambo. What do you want, my fucking blood? 'Cause you've fucking taken everything else! You've taken fucking JJ and now he's nicking her off me as well!"

The dark-haired boy was silent and glanced at Effy. _Fuckin' hell_, Naomi thought, spotting a tiny, malevolent smile on Cook's lips. _Here we go._

"She hasn't told you, has she? Fuck me, I'm so glad I didn't miss this."

"What's going on?" Katie asked.

_You really don't want to ask, Katiekins_. Naomi shook her head to herself. Loud, boisterous Cook could be random in his chaotic showoffs, but he could also be deadly accurate when he found a target.

"Effy doesn't want me anymore. Do you, princess?"

"No," the girl answered, softly.

"So?" Katie asked. Could she possibly not know? "Why should we care? Freddie's with me now. Right, Freddie? Freddie. Freddie!"

"Right," he said, finally, but didn't unglue his eyes from Effy.

"I'm going for a walk," Katie said, weakly.

Then, she practically forced a kiss on Freddie's cheek and walked off, not turning back when the boy called her name. The whole exchange made Naomi wince. Now it was out in the open, but it didn't have to be like this, no one deserved the humiliation that Katie was feeling now, even if she had more or less done it to herself. Because Katie had to know, of course; it was all under that perfectly composed surface.

Cook, on the other hand, was assessing his job with a smug smile. "Well, I think she took that pretty well, don't you?"

"Just go," said JJ, his voice trembling at first, but getting progressively louder. "No one wants you here. No one likes you. Just fucking… go!"

He had ended up screaming the last two words in Cook's face, who remained stunned for a moment, like he couldn't believe that his friend would actually speak to him like that.

"Do what he says. Fuck off," Naomi said. Harsh, she knew, but Cook couldn't just do whatever the hell he wanted. He couldn't just blow up when he was miserable to make everybody just as unhappy. It didn't work like that. _When you're miserable you're all alone. That's how it is. You can't go looking for company, you enormous tosser._

She turned around and went after JJ, followed by Emily. The boy had crouched next to one of the tents, breathing heavily, and the redhead crouched beside him and threw an arm over his shoulder.

"Whatever," Cook said, like he didn't care. He was still struck by JJ, perhaps also by her, because maybe he didn't expect that they'd give him the cold shoulder. But he was far from self-reflection; he was in a "one down, on to the next one" kind of mood.

After several more snarly remarks, he focused on Pandora. Effy didn't want him, not really, so he was nailing Pandora, and it was more than a one-time thing. _Really? Cook and Panda?_ Cook was taunting Thomas, almost begging to be hit, but the boy wouldn't give him what he wanted. Pandora did, however. When Thomas told her that he didn't recognize her anymore, she went up to Cook and punched him square in the face.

Unearthing the truth had made Pandora lose it, but that was almost collateral damage. Cook seemed to have done it to make Effy crack. The brunette was freaking out. She got up and ran into the depths of the woods, with Freddie running after her.

"Jesus Christ…" Naomi muttered, staring wide-eyed at the wasteland around her. It was like a fucking carnage.

Cook's work was done. He was laughing, seemingly having the time of his life, even if he surely wasn't.

"Hope you enjoyed the show, kids!" he cried, before disappearing into the trees.

* * *

They walked a greatly distressed JJ into one of the tents and guided him into a eeping bag.

"I don't think we should leave him alone," Emily said.

"Yeah, he's a mess," Naomi said, wryly. She glanced to the side and opened up the other sleeping bag. "It's gonna get a little crowded in here, but what do you say?"

The redhead smiled warmly. That was enough to kick out of the tent the horrid scene they had witnessed. Soothed by those brown eyes which were almost glowing in the dark, Naomi pulled out her boots and her sweater and crawled into the sleeping bag. After some shuffling, she was joined by the redhead, and their world became even smaller.

Naomi couldn't see very well, but there was no need, for she could feel everything intensely. She was lying on her back as Emily turned, pressing her entire body against Naomi's right arm and leg. For a moment, it was almost too much. After a whole evening of warm-up, her heart was now beating frantically, and every nerve was alert. And every single part of her was ready.

When Emily was around, her body always surprised her by doing something of its own volition that she would have never allowed if her brain had been asked to decide. But her brain was nothing, just a witness: the inevitable analyzer of consequences. What her body did around Emily was beyond thought; it was an instinct, like eating when she was hungry. Being with Emily was more than second nature; it was _in_ her nature - it _was_ her nature.

Now, feeling Emily's sweet breath on her cheek, safe inside that pocket of warmth, she could only shift and face the girl.

"Hey," she whispered, while her left arm surrounded Emily's waist by its own volition.

"Hey," the redhead whispered back, bringing her hands up to touch Naomi's hair.

_I could very well spend the rest of my life like this_, she mused, while Emily's fingers moved across her cheek and traced her lips. It was… heaven. Then, she realized that the girl was checking if she was smiling, which she had been doing during most of the evening: the idiotic, dreamy, relentless smile of bliss. She figured that this was Emily's way of checking up on her, of telling if she was okay with this.

The hand returned to her hair, and then, very slowly, Emily slung her right leg over Naomi's hip. In one fluid motion, Naomi slid her thigh between Emily's legs and tightened her grip on the girl's waist. They were so close now that the tips of their noses touched. The redhead nudged her gently, and Naomi pressed her lips against her little smile, unable to help herself.

There was a sudden snort coming from the other sleeping bag, and they froze, still lip-locked, listening intently. Thankfully, JJ's subsequent deep breaths informed them that he was profoundly asleep. The redhead giggled against her mouth, and Naomi pulled the sleeping bag over their heads to muffle the sound.

"Em, shhh. We got to be quiet," she whispered, even if she was on the verge of laughter herself.

"Okay," said Emily, pressing her legs together and thus increasing the contact of her thigh on Naomi's center. "I can be quiet."

Whether the girl had done that on purpose or not was irrelevant. She bit her lower lip to cover her gasp. Then, Emily dove into her mouth - into her whole body, it seemed. Naomi felt Emily's tongue grazing her own like an invitation which she eagerly accepted, and asked for more. Her hand squeezed Emily's thigh and roamed under the hem of her dress, caressing her ass and the soft skin of her back.

In response, the redhead started grinding against Naomi's leg, gradually building a rhythm for both of them with her hips. Naomi surrendered easily, throwing her head back as Emily kissed her way down her neck and then back up. She surrounded Emily's shoulders with her arms, pulling her closer, pressing their breasts together, feeling an imminent explosion churning inside.

Emily's burning center pushing against her thigh told her that she was about to come as well. That was all she needed, the knowledge that she could excite Emily that much, that _she_ was doing it, that they were doing it together, to each other because they just fit… They moaned into each other's mouths. She wanted to never let go. Except that some oxygen was needed.

Naomi opened the sleeping bag so that their heads could pop out. They were both gasping. Gradually, Naomi's body relaxed and came down from the high. Snuggling against her, Emily continued her previous giggle, like a child that had done something naughty and had pulled it off without being caught.

"Shhh," she half-heartedly chastised the redhead.

"I'm not saying anything."

"Well, keep it that way, yeah?"

"I wish we didn't have to be quiet," Emily said.

Biting her lower lip, Naomi dug her fingers in Emily's silky hair and took a deep breath.

* * *

She was awoken by shreds of sunlight leaking into the tent. Emily's body was still pressed against her, and it wasn't just a matter of lack of space. It had more to do with something the redhead had said the previous night in the midst of an alcohol and drug-induced blabber. "When you open your eyes at night and you see that face. You can't breathe because you're that happy".

As if she had sensed Naomi's eyes on her, the girl blinked and then looked up, beaming. "Morning."

For a moment, she was transfixed by Emily's cuteness, all rumpled hair and blurry eye makeup. Naomi was feeling a strange sense of possession which she couldn't quite analyze, so she let it be and smiled at the vision instead.

"I'm starving," Naomi said.

"Me too."

"Let's go find something to eat."

She opened up the sleeping bag and sat up, fishing for her boots. Then, she grabbed one of the blankets and enveloped herself with it, for she had felt the morning chill as soon as she'd left the shared warm cocoon. Emily put her shoes on and grabbed the other blanket.

When she zipped the tent open and stepped out of it tentatively, Naomi felt like an alien whose spaceship had just landed in a strange planet. The forest was misty and beautiful, and, after all that had happened the previous night, seemed comparatively quiet and inoffensive. More than anything, it looked still, frozen, so when Emily followed her out of the tent it was easy to imagine that they were the only survivors of some apocalypse.

Wearing a small but satisfied grin, Naomi glanced at the girl and noticed that there was a leaf tangled in her hair - a remnant of the night. She pulled it out and then showed it to Emily, who looked at her questioningly at first, then smiling sheepishly. Suddenly, something shoved them from behind. It was JJ. No more reassuring dreams about being the only survivors of an apocalypse.

"Phew." The boy pushed himself between them. "Bit cramped in there. Me, two girls, and one tent… Nightmare! You ladies like to wriggle, don't you?"

The poor guy. He had no idea. She looked down at her feet, trying not to smile at the memory of their fully-clothed "wriggling", which she did "like".

"Anyway," JJ went on, "I need a wee and a Tic Tac."

As JJ crouched by his backpack, Freddie and Effy walked into the campsite, very casually pretending that they hadn't been holding hands. The boy was carrying a rolled-up blanket under his arm and their hair was comically ruffled - one didn't have to be a genius to do the math.

"Morning," said Freddie.

"Good morning," Naomi answered, knowingly, and walked towards them.

"Anyone seen Pandora and Thomas?" JJ asked.

"And where's Katie?" asked Emily. "Thought she'd be with you, Fred."

"Probably still asleep," said Freddie, more hopeful than informed, which wasn't a good sign.

_But really, what do you think has been going on here, Ems? Your sister's out of the picture._

The dark-haired boy opened the first tent and then opened another. Pandora was sitting inside the second one, and informed them that Thomas was gone. But where the hell was Katie?

"She's not here." Freddie looked at them with an incredulous look on his face.

"What do you mean, 'She's not here'? Where is my sister - _your_ girlfriend?"

The boy muttered something useless about how the girl had to be around there, somewhere. Naomi stepped closer to the redhead, wanting to find the words that would calm her.

"I'm gonna go look for her," Emily announced.

* * *

Every ten seconds, someone yelled Katie's name. The forest, which had alternately seemed beautiful, haunted, and still, now looked more mysterious than ever, unwilling to disclose what had happened to the girl it had swallowed up.

The others were walking several meters apart from one another to cover a wider surface, but she was walking next to Emily. It seemed like the redhead needed her, and she looked so tiny and defenseless in her distress.

"I don't understand," she was saying. "What could've happened?"

"It's gonna be all right, Em," Naomi said, because she had no idea of what on earth could have happened to the girl.

Her hand brushed against Emily's while they walked, once, twice; the second time, she grasped it. Emily's cold fingers curled up and entwined with hers, and Naomi felt more of that earlier protective, possessive sensation. Something inside her was opening up -the proverbial, metaphorical fist she'd been hosting for so long inside her chest-, and it was both letting Emily inside and allowing her feelings to go out and materialize.

* * *

"I'm not going anywhere without Katie," Emily snapped at Freddie.

"Maybe she went with Thomas?" JJ offered.

"She wouldn't have left without saying anything! She must be lost in the forest!"

"There's no point in you getting lost too, Ems," Naomi said.

"Well, what if she finds the camp and there's no one there?"

"We need to know if she went home," said Freddie. "If not, we need to get help. We've got to call someone."

Emily countered once more that her sister wouldn't have left like that. However, as if the discussion was over, Effy opened the door of the car. The brunette hadn't as much as spoken one word all day, but now she did, albeit weakly.

"Let's go," she said. "Before it gets dark again."

* * *

The ride home was a silent, tiresome journey. They were a defeated mess. Emily kept her head bowed down and didn't even raise it when they crossed the psychos they had met at the gas station the day before, flaunting the animals they had hunted and skinned. Yesterday was now a hundred years away. The poachers weren't terrifying anymore - now they just looked silly. The scary thing was unadulterated, pure reality.

Emily made the call home from the car as soon as they got a signal, and it was chilling to hear her ask if Katie was there. She wasn't. Effy stepped on the brakes, said that she needed to take a wee, and walked out of the car and into a field.

Here it was again, the road she and Emily had taken with their bikes, returning forever changed. And yes, everything seemed different now. Now she had tasted what it was like to be with Emily, in every sense of the word, what it could be like.

The redhead had now talked to both her parents, although her mum had barely let her speak at all. There had been shouting at the other end of the phone, and Naomi felt like she couldn't bear to see Emily so upset. Where the fuck was Effy? Naomi got out of the car and jogged in the direction that the brunette had taken.

"How long does it take to have a wee, Eff?"she cried, seeing that the girl was just standing there.

"Coming!" answered the brunette.

* * *

Naomi dug her nails into the car seat when she spotted Emily's house. When the car stopped, she stepped out and stood there as the girl got out. She didn't want to see the redhead entering her house alone to face her parents, to face the fact that her sister was lost. It was all part of the new score of unfiltered feelings she was channeling, wanting to be there for Emily. However, not even world peace could be enough to convince her to go through that doorway.

"It's gonna be all right, Em," she said, feeling dumb. _Like a bloody broken record._

The little redhead nodded and dragged her feet towards the house. Naomi shook her head and bent down before the passenger seat's rolled-down window.

"You aren't going in?" she asked Freddie.

"Uh… me?"

"She's your fucking girlfriend, you know… Katie is," Naomi said, in a bout of misplaced anger.

"I don't think it's really my place-"

"Right. I'll get home by myself, thanks."

Freddie hadn't caused that unbearable irritation, and she knew it. She hadn't been talking to the boy, not really, but to herself, because she wanted to be there for Emily, but couldn't. Wouldn't. Couldn't. _Whatever_. Naomi quickened her step.

When she arrived home, she went straight the bathroom, took off her clothes in a fury, and sat in the shower, letting the warm water cover her like a soothing balm. She didn't want anything to do with what she was feeling right now - that she didn't belong entirely to herself because part of her wellbeing depended on someone else.

Scared shitless and worried about Emily despite herself, she sauntered into her bedroom, dropped her clothes on the floor, switched off her mobile, and got into bed. She closed her eyes and was thankful in advance for the hours of disappearance that Morpheus would hopefully grant her.

* * *

There was a knock on the door. Naomi groaned and uncovered her head. What time was it? "What?"

"It's Emily," said her mother's voice.

"Here?" she cried, jumping to her feet and looking for something to wear.

"No, love, on the phone!"

Her bedroom door opened a crack and her mother's hand shot in, holding the phone. Naomi snatched it away. _Fuck's sake…_ "Emily?"

"They found her."

_Thank-fucking-God. _"Is she okay? What happened?"

"I don't know… she was in the middle of the forest with a wound on her head."

"What? What the hell happened to her? Did she fall?"

"I don't know... she's still unconscious. Doctor says she's gonna wake up any minute now, he's sure of that."

"Jesus Christ…" Naomi became aware that she had been pacing around the room. "I… I'm glad she's gonna be okay."

She was feeling like a caged animal, trapped with her worry, her need to comfort, and her fear of going there, to the hospital, with Emily… No, she couldn't.

"Just… just call me if you need anything, okay?" That was all she could manage.


End file.
